mr. winter, where'd you go?

it's a gorgeous january day in western pennsylvania.

huh?

i just rachel's blog regarding her seeming inability to be productive now that her schedule is practically stress-free. rachel, i concur.

i'm only involved in one production right now. just one. so i'm not balancing rehearsals that overlap or two production schedules or appeasing multiple casts/directors. and that feels funny.

and unfortunately, due to the nature of my chosen career path, i can't begin any sort of real job search until april. so while i watch friends fill out applications and interview, i continue to patiently (or not so patiently, depending on the day) wait for my chance to join the "grown up" world.

i'm trying to enjoy the laidback-ness that is the beginning of my semester. i'm sure in just a short time i'll be longing for time off. but it does feel weird. and i'm not sure what to do with all this time.

for now, i'll share with you an excerpt from an email i recently received. although taken out of context from the rest of the email, i thought it served as wise advice for all of us beginnging to wonder where or what or who we're going to be once we leave gcc. have a beautiful day all.

"Let yourself go, and enjoy . . . What needs to happen will come to pass, and it isn't something you have to facilitate. It's not. Come on, say it...I don't have to make this happen or not happen. I don't have to because God will. Give it up, baby! Give it up, throw your hands in the air, take a deep breath. Hang on, girl. I know you're scared. Let's just be scared together, then trust together, and move on, together. I'm so proud of you."

spring fever

saturday, i think i may have wasted you.

went to a "steelers edition" alumni council luncheon.
enjoyed the BEAUTIFUL weather.
took a very very very very long nap. wow. felt wonderful.
got up.
wrote various assorted emails to far away friends.
read.

yep, that's it folks.



i heart you in a big way saturday (i was going to write "miss saturday" and then i changed it to "mr. saturday" and then i realized that i didn't know what gender i saturday would be. such a dilemna).

oh happy day

when i grow up, i'd like to live somewhere with lots of sunshine.

it's a gorgeous day outside. and a fantastic day in every other way as well.

nothing really all that out of the ordinary has happened. just one of those wonderful days where it seems like everything is going to go right. maybe getting up early will turn into a habit. its certainly has worked out well today.

to celebrate (and because i miss katie and chelsea, as usual), i am playing "i believe in a thing called love" and dancing around the room and pretending i could be a rock singer. now tell me, does it get any better than that?

jessica andrews said it best

jen and i had a good night. a very good night.

we went to rachel's. then we went to walmart. oh walmart, you are a delight. what can't you buy there (besides all the stuff you actually need)? we were going to have a "fish buying/hair dyeing" night, but we didn't. well, we did buy fish. i convinced jen it was a good investment at 28 cents. she agreed. now we have to name her fish. any suggestions, feel free to comment on her blog or mine.

i'm not going to bore anyone with what i bought. i think it was perhaps boring jen just shopping for it. but she's a trooper. and boy do i love her. jen is the type of friend you need to have. she'll let you cry at 1 AM without judgment or question. and later, she'll let you tell her how silly that was. when i think back to Hotel 160 and the many nights spent crying and laughing and dancing and singing . . . delightful.

i've really been struggling with self-confidence lately. and truthfully, this is a new struggle in my life. in general, i have a very healthy self-image. i've always felt fairly confident in who i am and what i can do. but not lately. and that worries me. because while i've been struggling, i've also been convicted of my sin in comparing myself to others. i wasn't created to be you. or you. or you. i could never teach like abby or katie. i'm certainly never going to be able to play softball (let alone hit a ball) like jensue. i'm not called to be a counselor or a musician or a missionary or a doctor or an engineer or a lawyer or an athlete . . .

and isn't that one of the many wonders of the God we serve? He's created billions and billions of people and no two have ever been alike. incredible. stop. really think about that. what an awesome God. and i want that to spur me on towards greater devotion, not feelings of inadequacy. i long to learn how to serve Him best with all these gifts He's given me. i so badly ache to understand how my love for theatre and my passion for people and my leadership and my heart for women can all work together, not so i gain some great reward or recognition, but so He is honored.

to my God that calmed the storm . . . calm the storm in my soul right now. i know You can. and i know You will.

she's gone

"sunrise, sunrise . . . couldn't tempt us if it tried."
- nj -

i want to be a morning person. i really desperately truly absolutely do. the whole idea appeals to me: being efficient, accomplishing more during hours of the day when most of the population is awake, trying to emphathsize with my poor roommate who is forced to get up at 5:45 each day. yes, i would like to be a morning person very much.

during break, over a cup of cocoa, i announced to my mom that THIS semester i was gonna do it. i would get up early. go work out. eat breakfast. accomplish many important tasks before lunch. it would be the new improved version of monica. as i've been announcing this plan to my mom for approximately 3 years, it has little effect on her. she smiles in a way that says, "monica you are never going to change. there is no way that you will be a morning person. i want to believe that you can do this. but i know you won't."

today i decided to test myself. having gone to bed at a reasonable hour (read: 1:45 AM), i thought it would be a good morning to make an attempt. i set my alarm for 7:45, confident that i could be up and out of bed by 8.

at 10, i finally climbed down from the top bunk.

*sigh* so not today. but there's always tomorrow.

dedicated to finger spasms

akjdlfksdjlkjweoiralksdjf;asldkjfsd.

yep. that basically sums up how i feel today.

finger spasms . . . perfect to express both joy and sorrow, excitement and loss, you get the idea. whatever you're feeling, you can say it through finger spasms.

go ahead and try some for yourself. i promise you won't be disappointed.



i really really really really really miss my friends. monday can't come soon enough.

mom and pop and other things

today, dad came home from work at 8:30 AM to bring my mom breakfast. he drove 40 minutes so she wouldn't have to drive 5 minutes to go get it.

my parents are so in love. and i love it.

(but the really amazing part of this story is that i was AWAKE at 8:30 in the morning. wow.)

other thoughts i've had this morning:
- laundry is just something that can never really be finished. no matter how much you do, you're always getting clothes dirty.
- i'm not a morning person.
- i've been spending the last few weeks of break getting excited about going back to school . . . and in two days, i go back to school. and the millions of things i absolutely promised myself i'd get done during break, well, let's just say they're not ready to be crossed off the "to do" list.
- memoirs of a geisha was disappointing. such a bummer.
- i have more thoughts, but laundry is calling.

tomorrow i'm baking. cooking, getting up early . . . who am i?

the luckiest

tonight, my parents came home from bible study (and by "came home," i simply mean they walked the four feet from the condo attached to ours, which is conveniently where their bible study leaders live) and told me a sad story. a truly a sad story. but to me, its also very romantic and beautiful and overwhelming. so i'm going to share.

a woman in their bible study, whose mother just passed away, shared a prayer request. her father, who is aching horribly for his deceased wife, is refusing to take his medication. the medication he takes is what has been keeping him alive for the past several years. now that the love of his life (and i mean that quite literally) is gone, he has no interest in taking it. she cried and tried to reason with him, begging him to keep going for her sake. but he told her simply, "but my life is already over. it ended a few days ago when your mother died."

now i'm not interested in beginning the whole euthanasia debate via my blog. all i'm saying is, wow. take a minute and let it sink in. that's a lot of love. that's two people who absolutely became one. and in a world where statistically, marriage doesn't even have a 50% chance of survival, a story like that really impacts me.

it reminds me of a song that katie loves:
next door, there's an old man who lived to his nineties
and one day, passed away in his sleep.
and his wife she stayed for a couple of days then passed away . . .

it's a beautiful song. and i'm certainly praying for mrs. love (that's her name . . . ironic, right?) and her family, that God's will might be, they can accept it. i guess the story just really touched my heart and i wanted to share.

reading rainbow

in the mood to write an enjoyable post . . .

but (and i'm pleased about this, as it means that my love of technology has not surpassed my cravings for art and drama and literature), i'm even more in the mood to go read anna karenina.

i want to spend the rest of break enjoying as many captivating novels as i can. east of eden, you were a joy. night, i'm glad i didn't read you in high school, when i certainly would have missed the big picture. of mice and men, you never fail to make me cry, no matter how much i prepare myself for the end.

so off to go find out (once again) what happens to anna and levin and all the rest. enjoy the rest of your weekend all.

curious george

my, my, my . . . you are all mighty curious people. i have received messages on my blog, as well as personal emails inquiring about the exact events that took place on monday evening.

and i bet you're all hoping i'm going to tell. and i am, in a way.

to make this more fun, i'm going to give you several possible options about monday's events. only one is true. if you've already spoiled the surprise by asking joel, well, shame on you. think of this as a fun blog version of "balderdash". . . without further ado, here are your choices.

1. i arrived on campus, very tired and very ready to take a quick nap. realizing i couldn't get into my own room (because your ID doesn't work unless you're there for intercession), joel let me sneak onto the ADEL hall and i napped for a few hours in his room until he was done with practice. i obviously feel guilt ridden because of the obvious breaking of dormitory rules. i'm terrified that campus security will go back and find the video feed and i will get expelled.

2. i arrived on campus, very tired, but with enough energy to devise a plan to get into the dorms: i would find someone standing near a door and just ask to borrow their ID. unfortunately, the only people i could find was this very awkward freshman couple (obviously taking intercession as an excuse to be together 24 hours a day) who were in the middle of a heavy make-out session. while i hated to interrupt, i really wanted to get into my room, so i "broke up the party" and took their ID. i'm feeling guilty because that's just weird and who knows what kind of emotional scars i've inflicted on them.

3. i arrived on campus, not at all tired, just anxious for swim practice to be over. because of this, i happened to go through the stop sign that's at the corner of MEP. the gcc security force saw me, threw their lights on, and began to come after me. realizing i might be in danger of security violation, i instinctively drove off campus as fast as possible. amazingly, they didn't chase me (i think i lost them somehow). however, i felt horrible about the deception and made poor joel walk to that middle school to meet me, just in case they were parked all over campus waiting for my return.

4. i arrived on campus, tired and not at all ready for another 2 hour drive. realizing my ID wouldn't work to get into my dorm, joel and i devised a plan so i could sneak into my dorm and then illicit the help of a friend. the plan consisted of engaging the help of a staff member, who lent me her ID, at the risk of being fired. in the end, i spent the night not in my own room, but in a student's room who was not on campus to say no. i feel guilty about both the stolen ID and the borrowed room.


well, there you have it. this reminds me of those adventure stories sean got me hooked on when we were little kids . . . you get to choose a different ending every time. i hope these stories spark your imagination. and also that they make me seem like a rebel.

to grandma's house we go

sunday night, i did something i should have done long ago.

i visited miss jensue consoli in her pittsburgh residence (read: home).

and it was delightful.

there was time spent watching the steeler's game (where i learned about some sort of line that only shows up on the TV but not on the real field . . . what?), shopping with jen (she bought TWO skirts . . . and picked both out herself . . . as the world as i knew it was crumbling around me), and a viewing of remember the titans with a sort of play-by-play with jen's dad. all around, a delightful experience. but i said that already.

edit: i just wrote a VERY long and involved story about my experience on gcc campus on monday evening. sadly, i am such a goody-two shoes that i feel guilty in even repeating the story on my blog. which is sad in so many ways: 1. you'll miss out on the story 2. i don't need to feel any guilt about the situation because the moral of the whole thing is that gcc can be ridiculous, very unnecessarily.

i so desperately want to be rebellious. at least once. but no matter how i try, my conscience seems to strike with a vengeance. i think it may be time for me to accept that i'm just a good girl at heart and that's all there is to it.

i promise a more exciting post in the future. especially since sean is getting his tonsils out on thursday, which means daddy + daughter time while mom goes to take care of the big brother. perhaps another "monica and her adoration for her dad" story is in your future . . .

not a wednesday . . . but close

growing up, wednesday was always my favorite day of the week. the other days had their own individual highlights, and of course i wore dresses each and every day, but wednesday was my prettiest day. i would plan for it all week. and finally, 6 days later, it would appear.

wednesday was "date with my daddy" day.

i don't remember what age i was when it all started or how many years it lasted before we had to stop . . . surely school got in the way eventually. but for a small portion of my life, wednesday was the my favorite of all days.

dad would take time out of his busy work schedule to take me to a restaurant, usually this italian place in our neighborhood. i'm not sure what we'd talk about; surely nothing profound (i was perhaps only 5 after all). i'm sure a great many lunches he felt starved for real conversation. on more than one occaision, i'd guess that i performed my famous "stand on a table and dance while singing to the music" routine. people loved it. trust me.

it was at those lunches that i learned how to shoot straws at people - a mistake my mother has never forgiven him for. i remember one particular lunch we ran into some business colleagues of his. he introduced me as his beautiful princess . . . and for maybe the first (and sadly, one of the few) time in my life, i believed it. he made me feel like i was the queen of the world. that i was the most special daughter who had ever been born. that i was worthy of attention and praise.

i know i write a lot about my dad and my brother. i think its because i hear so often from women who feel neglected by the men in their life, and sadly, the havoc that has wreaked on their lives is all too evident. they grow up feeling neglected, unworthy, alone, unwanted, and certainly anything but exquisite or lovely.

there are, of course, things about my childhood that i would change given the option. certainly anyone who witnessed my backstage life during major barbara knows some of the wounds that i feel so deeply they just can't seemed to be erased. but i am eternally grateful for the time and energy that my brother, but especially my dad, has invested into my life.

when date days ended, the time did not. in high school, he was the beloved advisor of the Future Business Leaders of America, which surprisingly enough, i was president of. he would volunteer for field trips as often as any mom. and to this day, when i call home, he is just as anxious to hear about my life as my mom is.

i write about all this because tonight my daddy took me out on a date. its something he makes an effort to do each time i come home. because of work, my breaks are often spent largely with my mother, so he tries to schedule a special time for just the two of us. this was particularly important to him this break, as it always is when i begin dating someone. he uses the date as excuse to hear all about "my new beau" and what he's like and what i like about him and what he does and what he wants out of life . . . but most importantly, how he's treating his most beautiful princess. joel, of course, passed with flying colors. but that's really not the point. it's important for a daughter to know that no matter how old she gets, her daddy still is looking out for her, trying to protect her.

dad, i know you don't read blogs and i'm quite positive you don't even know about mine. but in case you'd ever find it, i want you to know that i love and adore you and the man that you are, particularly the man that you've become. i will always be your little princess.

ps

my papa is better.

he was released from the hospital this evening and seems to be doing fine.

praise the Lord.

and thanks to you all for your encouragement and prayers. much love.

for the cap'n

i'm not rachel . . . so i can't talk to you about my wedding.
i'm not katie . . . so i won't be able to share any exciting pics from new years (and let's be honest . . . if i had any, they would be me + my bed + the princess diaries 2 + anything else boring you can think of)
i'm not jensue . . . so no crazy story about a friend getting pregnant (jen, let's talk soon, i want to hear how that all went)
i'm not hans . . . obviously, or i wouldn't be writing this.

so what do i have to offer? yes, you guessed it. its rather obvious.

garrett.

long long long long ago . . . garrett and i made a pact. he would write an outrageously funny post about his role in proof and in return, i would write a post about our friendship. garrett kept his end of the bargain immediately, and months later, i have yet to finish my portion. since the new year should begin with all promises being kept, here it is. my tribute to garrett. enjoy. =)

"When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance." - Anatole Broyard

i called him at his home before he even knew my name. it was the summer before my sophomore year and there had been a crazy mix-up; as a result, i wasn't going to be able to direct a one-act that fall. i was desperate and i did the only thing i could think of: i stalked garrett nichols. i knew who he was (freshman can always recognize a notable upperclassman) and he knew me as the crazy girl who kept calling his house. much to his chagrin, my plan worked.

when we got to school he made all the directors do this crazy "trust fall" followed by some sort of weird kissing trust practice thing. i assumed he was a little mentally unstable, but i certainly wasn't going to say anything. i was just so thankful i was allowed to direct.

from then on, garrett floated in and out of my life. i got to know him more through his infamous proof cameo (which certainly deserved a never received TAP award). then came the moment that would change our friendship forever. mrs. craig gave me the task of serving as garrett's stage manager for museum. i said yes, mostly out of fear, but it turned into a wonderful experience. despite his seniority, he never seemed to have a crazy ego trip. he was very open to my suggestions, and was quick to ask my opinion.

then in the winter we switched roles. he became my SM during brief lives. oh the wonder that was that show. most of the rehearsals involved brendan trying to learn his lines while garrett and i would pass notes back and forth. in those notes i found out that trey was going to ask me to the gala, who garrett liked, and what time we'd be going to dinner. very exciting stuff. but it cemented our friendship. we started hanging out after rehearsals, intervising on the weekends, ya know, the basic gcc stuff.

he filled a very needed void in my life: a big brother. and i love him for that. garrett believes in me and i believe in him. when you're a very insignificant sophomore in a theatre program, its easy to feel unwanted and unnecessary. garrett made me feel important and talented. he was my first real theatre friend outside of the proof cast. he was the only guy friend i had with enough courage to tell me that the boy i was hopelessly in love with was never going to feel the same way about me. at the time, i was infuriated with him. only looking back do i see how instrumental that was in my life.

during his last few weeks at gcc, we shared what is, in my opinion, our most special time of all. garrett conived (oops, convinced . . . well, either one really) me into casting him and phil into two FEMALE roles. it was sheer brilliance. the play was nothing special, but garrett and phil made it hysterically funny and unforgettable. as a director's gift, they took me out on a very special date to the waterfront. that night is probably one of my top 5 favorite memories at gcc. dinner and shopping with two of my favorite boys.

a few months ago, garrett left pittsburgh and headed back to idaho. my hope is that he'll come out to nyc to visit . . . he is holding on to a crazy dream that i'll come see him in idaho (garrett, its never going to happen. sorry). but life is crazy and you never know what direction it will take you. sometimes i really wonder if i'll ever see him again.

you meet a lot of people in your life and very few leave any sort of lasting mark. garrett is part of the minority. without him, my sophomore year would have been dull indeed. and its ironic, because as a freshman, he didn't cast me in his one-act. i love to tease him about that, claiming that he is one of the reasons i didn't want to stay in gcc theatre.

but truly, its the exact opposite. garrett is one of the reasons i knew i should stay. after all, he's the only one who calls me "meryl" and means it.

garrett, be safe in idaho. have fun doing a job you actually care about. know that you are gone, but not forgotten.

late night wake ups

there's something about college . . .

this afternoon my dad called to share the news that my grandpa had been rushed to the hospital. he was experiencing the same symptoms that my dad had just recovered from a week prior.

so my papa's in the hospital. and i'm sad and frustrated and a little worried and wishing that the ammirati family could just avoid the hospital for at least a month.

but mostly, i really wish i was at school right now. sure, i could call a friend and talk it all out. but its just not the same as being there. i want to be in the suite and walk through the bathroom and sit on the couch and let it all out . . . or just say nothing at all.

i think sometimes we take the whole college atmosphere for granted. we're so lucky to live in dorms and always have friends and fellowship surrounding us. and i wonder how i'm going to live without that in a few months? who will i tell all my secrets to? who can i wake up in the middle of the night to share something that could really wait until morning?

for now, i'm alone in the condo. and that's okay too. and break is wonderful and relaxing and so needed. but i'm starting to really ache for gcc and everyone who goes there.

old lang syne

if you have a devastatingly exciting new years eve story . . . please, don't share.

i've never a good one. never ever ever. they're always fine. and usually somewhat fun. and maybe they're as good as they're gonna get. perhaps its the cinematic masterpieces like when harry met sally or while you were sleeping that have me thinking that something truly exciting or life changing or even just incredibly romantic should happen to me at least once on new years eve. most of mine have merely involved a few movies, my parents and their friends, and sleep by 12:30. (this year i was asleep by 11.) once i even had the thrill of being broken up with at 12:15. not a good start to the year.

and logically, i can reason with myself that frankly, its just another night. an arbitrary start to the calendar year. i have remarkable evenings all the time; perhaps i should claim those as my "new year celebrations"? but i won't. i'm holding out for something great. something that will be worth telling my grandkids about. i don't know what it is yet, but its gonna be incredible.

and its that time of year. the time when humanity as a whole gets out a pen and paper and makes list after list after list of their own "new years resolutions." most are forgotten by the 2nd, those who keep their goals until the end of january are commended.

but this year is different. at least for me. this year, some goals must be reached if i want to eat actual food/not live in a cardboard box on the street/avoid being killed by my parents for wasting $50,000 in tuition.

so for your enjoyment, here they are. the practical, the whimsical, the genuine. they are all true. maybe this year. just mabye.

monica's resolutions (in no particular order)

get a job
find an apartment
learn to whistle
speak fluent italian
yell "good morning!" to all passengers on a crammed subway car
make homemade cookies
memorize the psalms
realize my self-worth
distribute grace abundantly
find a church
grow my hair longer
cut my hair shorter
blow more bubbles
learn to change a tire . . .
then sell my fabo echo
visit britt in chicago
ride a gondola in italy
learn to eat with chopsticks
research why my papa won a purple heart ( literally no one knows)
find a way to trick my uncle into admitting he's head of the CIA in China
watch annie hall
and dances with wolves
and st. elmo's fire . . . (basically see any&all movie classics i've never seen)
learn to ice skate
have my first real snowball fight
graduate a real grover . . . in every sense of the word
learn to do the thing that we always joke in the room i can't do
make the world a better place
leave an incredibly generous tip for no reason at all



i'll keep adding more as i think of them. feel free to share yours as well. happy new year!

you got to have a dream
if you don't have a dream
how you gonna make a dream come true?
- south pacific -