finding neverland

here's a varied assortment of the future occupations i've considered during my lifetime:

doctor - that lasted only a week. my mother, in her wisdom, gave me a "picture book" to color that detailed all the bones and intestines and tissues and organs . . . that was enough to turn me off.
flight attendant - don't laugh; its true. i always thought it would be fun to travel the world, while never paying the outrageous airfare.
high school english teacher - in high school, i was so sure i would turn out exactly like our english teacher that it seemed a logical choice. but i dropped that major about 5 seconds after arriving at GCC. sorry miss claypool. i just couldn't cut it.
soccer mom - if you're shocked, don't be. i love soccer and i'm actually a big fan of kids, so it makes a bit of sense. i abandoned this dream sophomore year of college. but whenever i see a minivan with that soccer ball pasted on the back window, i'm reminded of the days when i thought this was all i would ever want.
author - there are two books i've considered writing during my lifetime. the first i began when i was maybe 10 or 11, tentatively titled "lily of the field." it was named both for my favorite flower and the main character, a civil war nurse torn between the southern life she's always known and the yankee soldier she falls hopelessly in love with. the second book, "single for a season," began during college when i started to realize that God may have given me the gift of singleness. it was going to be a study on the advantages of staying single for a specific season in your life. as you may have all guessed, i've never finished either book. but maybe someday . . .
broadway director - i guess this dream is still looming large. i don't know if i could make the cut, but it sure would be fun to try.


what do you want to be when you "grow up"? there's a statistic that claims very few college graduates actually pursue a profession that fits their degree . . . and i think its a true one. we can be anything we want to be. and while we might have all sorts of ideas and fantasies now about what our lives will be like 10 years from now, it's been my experience that no one can imagine what reality will actually paint in the future.

as for me, there are 2 people in the world that know what profession i'd like to have most of all.

God and Mr. Allan Edwards.

And I trust that neither one of them will ever tell. (I know far too many of Allan's deepest secrets for him to ever share. As for God, He's just a trust-worthy guy.) I don't really know why I don't share with more people what it is I'd love to do. I guess because you tell people one dream for so long . . . it seems like it would take quite a bit of work to go and explain something else.

[note: blogging over break is rough. i get a lot of ideas but i'm not around a computer enough to write any of them down. i would give up, but i love katie too much. i know how she looks forward to updates. hope you're having a happy holiday miss r!]

i wonder as i wander

carolslightsbellsornamentstreesdecorationschildrencryinghonkinghornsthe
santaclausestoriescookieselvesfireplacememoriescrazyshoppersmallsyule
tidelogsmaxedoutcreditstockingschimmneythenightbeofrechristmaswrap
pingpresentsopeningchristmasmorninghamturkeyfruitcakefeasts

STOP. shhhhhhhh. stop. even if just for a minute.

today two people honked at me on my home. i don't know why. well, a possible explanation is my lack of any motor ability. but i tend to think that its the hurried-rushed-i-might-kill-someone-soon attitude that people seem to fall into this time of year. today, as i reflected on christmas and what it means and how incredible it is and what a state of humble thankfulness we should find ourselves in . . . and it made cry for those who are missing it completely.

imagine . . . a man. a man who discovers his soon-to-be wife is pregnant. and its not his child. instead of quietly ending the engagement (and even that is a noble decision at that time), he is told to marry her. so against his better judgment, he marries the girl, yet still he's denied his basic rights as her husband. can you possibly even begin to comprehend the questions in his mind? "God, what is going on here? this woman is with child and she claims it's Your Son; can that be? why me? pick another man. i just wanted a regular life. lots of kids running around in my shop. loving Mary every single moment of every single day. worshipping You in the synagogue. i never imagined You'd live in my house, eat the food I'd provide and well, be my son. and frankly, i'm not sure i'm ready or equipped. so please, if its possible, choose someone else. i'm just not cut out for this."

imagine . . . a woman. well, a gawky teenage girl is more accurate. a young woman with childhood fantasies that consisted of nothing more than a quaint home on a quiet street; a house filled with love and warmth and laughter; a man who would provide for her and her family. instead, she's just been given the news that she will give birth to God Himself. WHAT?! she and joseph only sneaked one kiss! what's he going to think? who will ever believe her story? she'll be an outcast, ridiculed by her friends and rejected from her family. she too has questions for the Almighty. "The angel was great and seemed to speak the truth and all that . . . but You must be joking. the thought of getting married is frightening enough; now You want me to have a baby? Your Son? Joseph is never gonna go for this. I'm not old enough to drive, let along give birth to the Messiah. You should pick someone else. Sarah is great with kids. Or Elizabeth. Or Rebekah. anyone else. i love You and i want to trust You, but this is just plain crazy."

imagine . . . a child. a perfect beautiful healthy tiny baby boy. born in the midst of smelly sheep and even stinkier shepherds. a baby who will cry and nurse and laugh and smile and be everything a child should be. perhaps Jesus couldn't think as a newborn. but if perchancehe could, i think His prayer might go something like this . . . "Dad, I know they're confused. mom looks freaked out. papa looks scared to death. and frankly, the shepherds look lost. but someday they'll understand. give them the courage to understand. to accept Your plan without question. i know it can be confusing, bewildering, and at times, almost unfathomable. but its perfect. You were right. this is the only way to save them. the best way."

a man, a young woman, and a tiny baby. all part of this incredible miracle that we've commercialized and franchised and humanized. somewhere in the midst of presents and parties and carols and cookies, we have to come back to the place where we remember.

it's a gift. it's a miracle. and its far more incredible than anything we'll find under the tree.

merry christmas. and may God bless us, everyone.

tell me on a sunday

finals week: journeying through the years

freshman winter finals 02: all my finals were held on tuesday and wednesday . . . so on the thursday study day i packed my bags and headed home, under the pretense of "i really need to study and i do it so much better in a home environment." it was a shameless lie. i was homesick and i missed my boyfriend. days later i came back in a total state of panic because i hadn't studied one iota (i just love that word) and i had to take a million finals in a short amount of time. they actually turned out just fine, thanks to dr. brown and dr. schaeffer's benevolence. i've always been bummed that i didn't share in that weekend with the girls on my hall.

freshman spring finals 03: quite the change in emotions. i still have all my finals on tuesday and wednesday (through most of my life, i have been quite cursed by the final gods), but this time i am literally crying because a. lorna is leaving grove city and my world is over as i know it. b. i didn't want to face the decisions that awaited me at home. i don't actually remembering any studying, but i do remember a finals dinner at carini's, my study day with lorna at victors, and an all-night sleepover in hotel 160 with my girls.

sophomore winter finals 03: i can't remember a single thing. i guess they went fine . . . ?

sophomore spring finals 04: hmm . . . is all of sophomore year a much too distant memory? neither abby nor myself can recollect a single thing. ooh - but i do remember study day and my "cast party" in pittsburgh with phil and garrett. dinner at pf chang's and an evening of enthusiastic shopping with phil while garrett wandered along . . .

junior winter finals 04: i was done on saturday afternoon! that was the best finals schedule of life. i was in two performance classes, so i hardly had to study at all. sheer bliss. then i made the trek home on saturday night to surprise my mom and dad. lovely memories.

junior spring finals 05: i had to move all my finals back so i could leave the college 4 days early and head straight to the Big Apple. i was terrified most of this week, which actually spurred me on to the best studying of my life. it was during this time that i also discovered the joys of studying in the shower. (not with the water running. just sitting there. studying. trust me on this one). i remember my last night at gcc that year. there was the flying dutchmen concert, saying goodbye to britt and katie, and frantically tossing everything i owned into my much too tiny toyota echo.

and finally, here we are. senior winter finals 05. looking back, i have to tell you that i can't remember a single test question. for that matter, i don't really even know what grade i received on most of these exams. i do remember the crazy moments in the SAC, the sad goodbyes, and the late night "study sessions." now i know we should study and do well and all that. but at the same time, let's not forget to enjoy these days. and with that, i'm headed to ketler for some late night poker with the boys. good luck everyone!

my grown-up christmas list

on monday, december 12, 2005, i realized (at least partly) what it means to be a grown-up.

my mom called at 8 AM, leaving a message that told me not to panic, but that my dad had been rushed to the emergency room at Akron General. i instantly called sean, and we decided that i should drive home immediately to be with my dad, and sean would drive up later that evening.

that drive home was the longest of my life. i spent a lot of time praying . . . crying . . . singing . . . and i thought a lot about my dad. he's the strongest man i've ever met. my dad has given me what the world likes to call "unrealistic expectations" of what a man in my life will do. he takes me on dates. he opens my car door. he writes me various emails of encouragment. but more impressive than what he does for me, the love he has for my mother is absolutely overwhelming. they got married at the ripe age of 19&20, and he loves her more today than he did 27 years ago. he showers her with affection and time and support and care.

arriving at the hospital and seeing my daddy, the source of absolute strengthfor our family, lying weakly in a bed with tubes coming out of his arms and chest . . . well, it made quite an impression on me. in an instant, i realized that this was the start of a new chapter in our life as a family. sean and i would begin to take care of our parents, instead of the other way around. we would begin providing for them and spoiling them and making their lives more beautiful and supported.

with the help of medication and IV's, my dad's heart rate has been stabilized. hopefully, in a few more days we will have an answer to this problem. Praise the Lord. but the impact of the last 72 hours will never leave me.

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."

another never

i can't believe i forgot the most shocking "never" of them all . . .

i'm going to the condo this weekend.
with the ADELs.

and i am of course excited to be spending time with allan and beth and neil and an assortment of other people i don't really know at all . . .

but "shy monica" (see earlier post) is going insanse from nervousness. is it appropriate to insert crazy finger spasms here? of course it is. it's my blog.

alkjwouejnkjhiayiyuiannkvbhjadfuirawris

moral of these posts: never say never.

never and always

this post is dedicated to one thing i always knew would happen and something i never thought possible.

i lost my ID yesterday. and its gone. i don't know where or how or why . . . but its not coming back. aside from the atrocity of paying $20 to replace it (wasn't $50,000 in tuition enough?), i'm really not that upset. because i've always known this would happen. frankly, i'm shocked that its taken this long. i've dragged that ID to at least a dozen states and all over NYC, in addition to the daily commute it takes in my pocket/purse/anywhere i can think to put it. and i'm notorious for misplacing important items. so its not a surprise to me that it's gone. ID, i'll miss you. i wish you didn't cost $20. but i'm proud of how long we kept this relationship alive.

now that the inevitable's happened, i'm curious when all the other "i always knew that would happen to me at grove city" moments will occur. pretty soon . . .
- i'll drop an entire tray of food in the cafeteria
- i'll fall down on the sidewalk after chapel in front of a thousand strangers
- without thinking, i'll say something horribly inappropriate to a group of important alumni
- i'll find the courage to do something rebellious . . . and get caught


and here's the "never ever ever thought i would be writing this" section:

my brother is in love. and on vacation.

to be honest, i'm more shocked at the latter statement. early this fall, sean met the girl of his dreams, the lovely miss jen pitkering. she is sweet and beautiful and spunky and supportive and so many things that sean needs. and it has been one of my greatest joys (and if i'm honest, most challening journeys) to see him finally have another woman come first in his life. i'm not sean's first priority anymore. and if my instincts are correct, i'll never be coming first again.

and that's really okay. i love her and more importantly, i love sean and want him to experience the companionship and wonder and beauty that comes from a godly marriage. i just never really thought it would happen. and i never thought it would happen to him before it happened to me.

last summer, my parents offered sean and i a dream european vacation. we would leave during spring break of this year and spend the 10 days in italy and spain. i said YES. sean said he would be able to take off work on a saturday and sunday and maybe easter monday. needless to say, my parents didn't think the trip would be worth it if we could only go for 3 days.

but he's in florida now with jen. and if that's not love, i don't know what is.




it's difficult for us last-borns to deal with our siblings getting things earlier than we do. its hard for a sister to realize a brother is getting older and moving on. its heartbreaking for monica to accept that she's losing one of her best friends.

to miss r

if you don't know katie, the following excerpt from an email she sent should be enough of a reason to start a friendship:

check out this sweet example I came up with today. it's "sweet" because kids love poop jokes...it really gets their attention.

I was teaching them what a malapropism is (it's when you use the incorrect word that sounds similar to the word you want to use). here's my example:

"let's say, I wanted to say, 'today, i want to decorate around my room,' but instead i said, 'today, i want to defacate around my room.'"

i love her. i love her craziness. i love how we are sisters.

life is simply delightful. maybe its just the Christmas season making me so gosh darn giggly. maybe its the carols and the lights and the snow. maybe its christmas break being within reach. maybe its having so many great conversations with good friends. maybe its the feeling of knowing i am blessed beyong measure. or maybe its what i think it really is.

regardless, if you're feeling blue, come find me. i have enough exuberance lately for an army.

two roads diverged . . .

i wish i knew how to post a physical gesture, because what i'm about to explain is done so much better when you can see how passionate and worked up i get about the subject. and the whole reason i get so worked up is because i know how long i've struggled with this subject. and maybe no one else reading this does . . . that may be very likely since i think i can count my readership on one hand. (hi katie!) so my apologies if you get nothing out of this or if this is old news to you or if you think the whole thing is ridiculous. allan and i were thrilled by our ability to put this concept into words.

to boys: we think every single thing you do is either an action to hurt or an action to help. we assume there is deliberate intention in every single choice you make, even as small as saying hi to us in the hallway or standing near us in the drink line. we then analyze the choices you've made and place them in either category.

to girls: we assume that there are only these two options. WE ARE WRONG!!! the phrase, boys will be boys, is an accurate one. they are simply living their lives. they said hi because they remembered to say hi. they happened to walk in the cafeteria they same time we did because they wanted to eat. sure, they are times when they do choose (very purposely) to either help or hurt. but these actions will be obvious and irrefutable!

what i'm saying is that to reach a compromise, boys need to realize that we do this. it may be weird and totally unexplainable to you, but we're just analytical creatures. on behalf of women, i apologize.

girls, let's stop running back to our rooms to discuss the small details of every male encounter. it will be good for us and respectful to them. we assume each step they take is a diverging step in this wood, when really, they're walking straight through it. and if they would decide to help or hurt, but particularly help, then we'll know it. and then, go ahead and giggle all you want. =)

two posts in one hour. whew. i'm all blogged out . . .

lucky for you, tonight i'm just me

has anyone ever heard the song, "lucky for you" by sheDaisy? its a spoof on the "multiple personalities" that men often claim women bring to relationships.

tonight, allan and i "officially verified" the truth of that statement. in fact, we took it a step further and added that people do this, not just in relationships, but life in general. and for those of you who have already dismissed this theory on the basis, "maybe you monica. i'm totally secure in who i am and bring the same persona to each and every situation," hear me out a little.

there are several monica's you may have met. maybe you know one, maybe you've had the crazy experience of meeting/knowing multiple monicas, but i assure you, they do exist.

here's a small sampling:
professional career driven monica
passionate director monica
late at night giggly monica
very nervous/awkward/insecure around any member of the male species monica
trying to be confident, yet still nervous monica
committed to loving all women monica
good listener monica
outgoing/excited/talking far too quickly monica
dance party in room when no one else in there monica
introverted monica
trying hard to impress/being witty monica

the list goes on and on. and frankly, i'm not sure this idea is entirely wrong or bad. there are certainly situations in life that call for different aspects of yourself to be brought forward while others are pushed to the back. it wouldn't be wise to have the same behavior at a sleepover as i do in an interview.

[note: this is allan's brilliant part of the theory] i guess the dilemna comes into play when you are using different ethics in each situation. when you have such an incredibly diverse group of personas, that you are actually a different person. if i would lie to get a job, but would be appalled at lying to my friends, then there's a conflict. if i would curse like a sailor around my best friends, but certainly never when i'm being "impressive" monica, then there's an issue.

still, despite all that, part of my envies those who seem to be "exactly who they are" in each and every circumstance. this may make the world call them crazy or even reckless, but i find it bold and daring. and if anyone reading this happens to be that person, then i say, good for you! i admire you and your genuine sense of self.

i may have to write a completely separate blog entry right now about the other theory allan and i perfected tonight. we'll see how inspired i am.