a post in numbers

its been just 2 days since we've been back at the grove. here's a brief recap:

times i've studied in south rec: 2
times logged into facebook: 93
run around the track: 2
meals eaten in cafeteria: 1
rehearsals: 4
moments i've hit myself for being overcommitted: 14
dresses i've bought for orchesis: 1
moments i've thought about how much i love my orchesis attire: 29437237
cups of tea: 2
classes attended: 1
drenching downpours: 1
movies watched: 1
viewing of conan with kayla: 1
pizzas consumed: 1
episodes of friends viewed: 4
naps: 0 (i need to get on that)
near calls to rachel for an emergency dose of no-doze: 14
late nights: 2
jokes told to troy: 4,o48

amount of times i've marvelled at how incredible my senior year has been and how i am so lucky and blessed to be here: too many to count


katie and chelsea come this weekend. enough said.

to papa

when my dad was 16 years old, his father announced that their family would be spending the next year in italy. my grandpa, a beloved chemistry professory, had been offered a job at an english speaking school in naples and decided the time overseas would be a grounding experience for his 8 children. yes, 8 children. he thought perhaps they were becoming too spoiled, unaware of those less fortunate then themselves. looking back on this, my dad always smiles. "less fortunate then us? in the private boarding school your papa taught at, we had perhaps 10% of the income of most families and three times as many mouths to feed."

my dad was so appalled at the idea of spending time abroad that he begged my grandma, who has always been devoted to her oldest son, to let him stay home in the US. my grandpa heard his request and had one answer, no.

so my father went. and he looks back on that year in italy as the most remarkable of his childhood. he spent the year traveling to little villas in naples and florence and venice and rome. he went backpacking across the mountains of europe. being the oldest child, he was the privileged one allowed to stay up late into the night with his parents and (gasp!) drink wine with them. they would sit and talk and he learned about the story of their courtship and my grandpa's tales of adventures in the army and my grandma's rebellious childhood in new york city (yes, i got it from her). he loved those days.

a few months ago, my grandpa died. he had spent the last 25 years of his life (half of his marriage to my grandmother) battling parkinsense. the disease crippled his body and eventually took his mind as well. i cried a lot when he passed away, maybe because it was my first real experience with death, maybe because i'm emotional, or maybe because i always knew i was my grandpa's favorite.

but more than anything, i think it's because i know that my father is the man he is today because of his father. when my dad spoke at the burial, he talked a lot about their time in italy. how great a man my grandpa was to allow his children that opportunity. and my dad cried, something i think i've only seen maybe once before in my life.

because of the toll the disease took on his body, he had to be cremated. so we buried a small wooden box of ashes. and in the ground with that box is one memento: a picture of my grandpa and his wife and children, taken in rome. everyone is smiling and laughing and beautiful. and i know my papa would love that. if i see him in heaven, i must remember to tell him.

some other beginning's end

yesterday, november 12, 2005, marked my final theatrical performance . . . most likely for life.

and i feel good.

this week has been a constant roller coaster of emotions . . . overjoyed because the audience seemed to understand the show . . . disappointed that my mom couldn't fulfill my life long dream of telling me i did a great job in a production . . . a sense of loss over the end of performing . . . an even larger sense of loss for those who are graduating, esp. in december . . .

these memories have been relived again and again by rachel, trey and i . . . but heck, i'll put them down here in my blog as well. three years ago, there was huge cast in mrs. craig's west side story. there were a few freshman, rachel, trey, and i included. rachel and trey perhaps met once; they had no idea that i was even in it. heck, no one really knew i was in it. i hid in the corner most of the time and tried to go unnoticed. i cried a lot during that show, mostly over what i felt was the loss of theatre in my life. i didn't sense that i would ever belong here. i certainly didn't imagine i would ever get cast as anything significant here. i felt small and silly and scared.

and then during the final dress rehearsal, something happened that i feel like changed the course of my life. mrs. craig noticed me. she just noticed me. she had watched me during the only scene i was onstage . . . and she liked what she saw, liked it enough to mention it in front of the entire cast. if you know mrs. craig, you know she doesn't give compliments, so it felt huge to me to be singled out in a cast of 60+. and at that moment, the thought flashed in my head that maybe i could actually do something here, maybe theatre could be huge for me here. of course, i quickly dismissed it. but almost a year later, she would give me a role that would change my theatre life forever. and as a result, my whole life changed.

theatre enabled me, both in high school and college, to change from a shy, awkward, nervous, insecure girl into a confident woman. and i think that's where my emotional attachment to it comes from. it's always been a catalyst of change for me.

so thank you mrs. craig. thanks to the entire cast of major barbara. it was an honor to step onstage with you each night.

coming soon: the story of brittany surprising me to come visit. aka, best moment of life.

blah blah blah

today i . . .

- went on a date with my beautiful roommate. i took her out to compadres and we sat and talked and caught up on the past few weeks of our lives. we never see each other anymore which is devastating to me. it was simply delightful just to spend time with her. i heart you in a big way miss abby.

- headed to the outlets to return birthday presents. mom, you did an oustanding job this year. truly, you did. but its so much fun to return things!!!! its one of my favorite pastimes. i started out with velvet blazer and a pair of black pants. i left with: 3 sweaters, 1 hoodie, 2 purses,1 belt, and polka dot panty-hose. aldfja;lkjfa;lfjsdkfjas. i love them all.

- broke down in a fit of tears at rehearsal. i have reached panic mode. abby gently reminded me tonight that i always do this. that i always worry the play will never come together. that i will somehow fail in an enormous way onstage. but this is different. really, this time it is. i don't think i've ever felt so alone in onstage as i did tonight. not for a lack of sympathetic spirits, but a feeling of abandonment. i thought i had found barbara, and tonight i fear i lost her.

- decided every day of the year should feel as lovely and fallish this one did. crisp. sunny. a touch of wind. perfect coat weather. it made me think of this song i heard once . . . "the wind blew the leaves off her face and then i saw you . . ." sound familiar to anyone? =)

- perhaps failed my first test of my college career. and i truly feel absolutely no emotion. environmental science, i just can't get worked up over you.

- met with dr. smith in his office. *sigh*

- watched as hans surprised rachel (with absolutely perfect timing - well done hans) after rehearsal. i then went into my second fit of tears as i realized that no man was coming to comfort me. my feeling of total aloneness was suddenly heightened to a whole new level. i am alone. and its okay. but tonight, watching rachel totally transform from weary to relieved in the mere blink of an eye (or more the first second of their embrace), made me feel desperately lonely and lost. tonight, i really am.

what a busy day. but katie comes tomorrow and all will be right in the world.

still, its a week

the play is in 9 days. well, more like 8 days by the time i finish writing this.

how do these shows ever come together? my friends have been reminding that i am typically frustrated as productions reach their climax; worrying that it won't come off in the end. and i recognize that as truth . . . but still.

major barbara is a HARD PLAY. i've read it a bazillion times. and done a dozen critical character studies. and i'm still catching on to some of shaw's brilliant nuances. he's a genius; a genius who is mighty difficult to understand.

we will push through. and things will probably turn out fine. still, 9, er, 8 days . . .