frankie, sing that song

aching for new york and at the same time, not really wanting to go. how can that be?

i must believe that new york in the fall is the most beautiful place on earth. it has so much life and energy and movement all by itself . . . the crisp fall air must just add to the joy that is my city. i think the first thing i will do when i arrive wednesday morning (after the obligatory dropping the suitcase off, etc.) is take the 1 train to 79th St. and walk east towards riverside dr. and i'll go the park and sit by my favorite spot on the river. and i want to say nothing will have changed, except of course the temperature (now i'll get to enjoy the waterside view with a warm sweater and hot cup of chai) . . . but i guess i find myself altered as well. not in huge dramatic ways that people ever take the time or have the ability to notice. but these first few months at school have made me feel out of sorts, very displaced, so unsettled.

have you ever seen sabrina? i always reflect on the moment where she tells him (the character name is escaping me) that she found herself in paris . . . and as a little girl i treasured the fantasy that i would do the same thing in some little unknown town in italy. but i didn't; which is most likely because i was in 7th grade when i was in italy, and what is there to even find in yourself in 7th grade? but i did discover so much of who i am, especially in my Chrisitianity, in the moments i spent in new york, particularly riverside park. God spoke to me there, ever so clearly. i felt Him in that place, standing with me near the water. reminding me that in a city of millions, He knew my name.

new york, i'm coming home in 2 days. i know when i see you, my heart will feel at peace again. just keep waiting.