odd girl out
(i love color! ahh!!!)
synopsis of tonight:
one act opening night was splendid. i was genuinely proud of my cast and how well they adjusted to an audience, who loved them btw. this also is the VERY FIRST OPENING NIGHT that i have not cried at, either before or after. i have this horrible habit of being an emotional wreck on opening nights, for one reason or another. proof was possibly the worst. katie and i both had a melt-down, thinking we did a terrible job and we hated ourselves and blah blah blah (katie and i both have a tendency to be too hard on ourselves. its only a small part of why we're pseudo-sisters.) so it made me so happy that i made it through the night absolutely happy.
here's a tradition i never keep: the obligatory handing out and wearing of diaper pins. i know that i annoy each and every cast member i've ever had with my total disinterest in giving them out, let alone driving to cranberry to get them, but i just truly don't understand the whole thing. why are they good luck? where did this tradition start? how is it satisfying to walk around with pins attached to your key chain that make you ready to change a child's dirty mess at any moment? i have only worn one once: the opening night of west side. i was too scared to say no. and johnny mormom, the dance partner from down under, stepped on my feet that night. i took it as a sign and never wore it again. they are not good luck for me. so sorry wanda's visit cast, it doesn't look likely that you will be getting pins this fall. if you really really really want one . . . steal one from someone else in the festival.
but the pins are really just the beginning of why i have never felt like i totally belong in the theatre department here. i love all the people that do theatre, i just don't feel a complete connection. i always feel a bit on the outside, as if its okay to participate but i shouldn't get too comfortable, lest i forget that i'm not a real part of the tight knit bunch, just a guest who can stay for dinner, sometimes dessert. i loathe mentioning west side once again (truly, once a year is often enough to remember that small tragedy), but i just knew then what i know now: i didn't fit in. and initially, it broke my heart, because in high school, some of my best friends did theatre with me. heck, some did theatre just so we could all hang out. i wanted to experience that again in college, maybe even in a stronger capacity. (now, as i write this, i realize that some of closest friends here have done theatre too. katie and chelsea too name two. but i guess i look at our friendship as so outside of theatre, and so much more about crazy sexy dances and "horse" riding and orchesis and all around insanity. and abbie and megan and kayla and . . . maybe my theory doesn't really make sense at all.)
this isn't a "i hate my life and have no friends and why won't someone like me" post. its more a "i recognize certain things and am very content and merely intrigued why the world is the way it is" type of commentary. because in truth, i really feel blessed that my friends can love and support and cheer me on in all my theatrical endeavors, because we aren't constantly competing for parts or shows, etc. its just that show week always makes me reflect on the dynamics of the theatre world, and me not quite fitting in just plays a small part in that.
okay, next time, i'll try to formulate a better argument for my posts. i don't think this is the type of thing i can explain in a note type format. i need good conversation to get the job done.
synopsis of tonight:
one act opening night was splendid. i was genuinely proud of my cast and how well they adjusted to an audience, who loved them btw. this also is the VERY FIRST OPENING NIGHT that i have not cried at, either before or after. i have this horrible habit of being an emotional wreck on opening nights, for one reason or another. proof was possibly the worst. katie and i both had a melt-down, thinking we did a terrible job and we hated ourselves and blah blah blah (katie and i both have a tendency to be too hard on ourselves. its only a small part of why we're pseudo-sisters.) so it made me so happy that i made it through the night absolutely happy.
here's a tradition i never keep: the obligatory handing out and wearing of diaper pins. i know that i annoy each and every cast member i've ever had with my total disinterest in giving them out, let alone driving to cranberry to get them, but i just truly don't understand the whole thing. why are they good luck? where did this tradition start? how is it satisfying to walk around with pins attached to your key chain that make you ready to change a child's dirty mess at any moment? i have only worn one once: the opening night of west side. i was too scared to say no. and johnny mormom, the dance partner from down under, stepped on my feet that night. i took it as a sign and never wore it again. they are not good luck for me. so sorry wanda's visit cast, it doesn't look likely that you will be getting pins this fall. if you really really really want one . . . steal one from someone else in the festival.
but the pins are really just the beginning of why i have never felt like i totally belong in the theatre department here. i love all the people that do theatre, i just don't feel a complete connection. i always feel a bit on the outside, as if its okay to participate but i shouldn't get too comfortable, lest i forget that i'm not a real part of the tight knit bunch, just a guest who can stay for dinner, sometimes dessert. i loathe mentioning west side once again (truly, once a year is often enough to remember that small tragedy), but i just knew then what i know now: i didn't fit in. and initially, it broke my heart, because in high school, some of my best friends did theatre with me. heck, some did theatre just so we could all hang out. i wanted to experience that again in college, maybe even in a stronger capacity. (now, as i write this, i realize that some of closest friends here have done theatre too. katie and chelsea too name two. but i guess i look at our friendship as so outside of theatre, and so much more about crazy sexy dances and "horse" riding and orchesis and all around insanity. and abbie and megan and kayla and . . . maybe my theory doesn't really make sense at all.)
this isn't a "i hate my life and have no friends and why won't someone like me" post. its more a "i recognize certain things and am very content and merely intrigued why the world is the way it is" type of commentary. because in truth, i really feel blessed that my friends can love and support and cheer me on in all my theatrical endeavors, because we aren't constantly competing for parts or shows, etc. its just that show week always makes me reflect on the dynamics of the theatre world, and me not quite fitting in just plays a small part in that.
okay, next time, i'll try to formulate a better argument for my posts. i don't think this is the type of thing i can explain in a note type format. i need good conversation to get the job done.
posted by monica at 12:36 AM
2 Comments:
AMEN to dumb pins. I have never handed them out and my favorite time was during Mummy when Brittany and I brought our own pins in cause we heard about complaints that they didn't get any and told them they could have our old ones if they wanted them, cause we think pins are dumb and look we're actually giving them real presents. Needless to say we peer pressured the freshman into realizing how dumb the pins are.
p.s. I'm SO HAPPY that opening night went well for you!
Hee. Hi.
Maybe you don't feel "connected" because you've left open other lifeblood avenues. I don't think a lot of hardcore theatre people like that ... it seems like a betrayal or something? I dunno. Whatever.
But we're friends, right? (Even though I'm always thinking you're mad at me. Incorrectly.)
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