it's either sadness or euphoria

man, i feel like a woman*

2006-08-06T15:59:00.000-05:00

i am alive and in new york. life is delightful. my job is great. my life is great. everything is great.

and when i have a computer here, i will start blogging again. i promise.

so if anyone still reads this, wow. kudos to you.

check back in a month - hope to have my iBook then. =)

* song title inspired by kayla, who graciously lets me come to her apt. and use her computer. thank you kayla.

xx's and oo's

2006-07-22T09:13:00.000-05:00

i got a job.

i am moving to nyc next saturday.

alkjl;akdjflskdj;laksdjf;lskj;!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can you believe it??? when it rains, it pours. God has been so good in providing this and i am still a little in shock.

i will be working at an entertainment law firm (so jennifer, that means i will be working in law before you - oh the irony), being sort of an executive assistant to the two attorneys. i'm fairly delighted with the whole adventure. the whole thing is really quite perfect - and it means i will get to live in manhattan - double delight.

so instead of being a practical, responsible girl . . . joel and i decided to take this week and travel to michigan to surprise his parents at camp. we leave today for illinois, where i will spend a week. saturday i will get on a plane and fly straight to nyc. i start work august 1. life is CRAZY. but great. and i've decided that instead of panicking about my no-apartment status, i will just enjoy this week and whatever will be, will be.

so that's the update. i am so sorry to the many many of you who have written me emails and i have not responded - it is my goal this week to do so. i promise. =)

but for now, back to my pseudo apartment search. hope you all are well. muah!!

break down here

2006-06-30T12:15:00.000-05:00

i am a nanny*.

*the kids i "nanny" can't decide what name i should be called. i'm not really a baby-sitter (they are 13 and 15 and don't need any direct supervision). i'm kind of a "companion" but that name sounds funny and i am responsible to see that they eat properly and do their chores.

but really, this has to be the most laid-back job i will ever have.

i arrive at their house anytime between 10 and 10:30 AM (they are flexible). they watch cartoons and i sit and have my quiet time. then i have time to write letters or get caught up on reading, etc. then i "make" them lunch - usually heating up something that their mom has already prepared.

then we drive somewhere . . the pool or the library or something else fun (i just started, but i'm guessing we'll go see movies and out to lunch, etc.) mom comes home around 5:15 and she pays me and i leave.

it's a good life.

and though it's laid back and easy and pays well - i am not totally satisfied. and that makes me happy. i'm still applying for jobs at a somewhat obsessive rate. as it gets closer and closer to august, i'm more and more possessed. i need a job. but more importantly, i really want a job. i want to get up in the morning and be excited about what i am going to do that day. i'm ready to return to the city that never sleeps (or DC - that's my current other option) and do a lot of walking and watching and learning. i miss new york. i miss the crazy pace that wears you out to the point of exhaustion, then you get up and do it all over again.

so this summer has been good. in unexpected ways really. this time of relaxtion has cemented for me that i need to find a job that i'll be passionate about. and i'm ready to find it.

here for the party

2006-06-22T10:30:00.000-05:00

i just wrote an entire post in response to neil's latest blog entry . . . but then erased it. i decided that the 24 comments that have resulted in response to his post are enough on this issue for me. but i did find the whole discussion fascinating. thank you to all for the thought-provoking hour i had while reading it.

in other news . . .

it's my goal to have applied for 25 jobs by the end of june (i'm currently at 13), and another 75 jobs during july . . .

if i don't get a job after 100 applications, i am going to give up and work at burger king.

anyone in the DC area (*cough* rachel and hans) - how is it? there are some good prospects there and i'd be willing to consider a non-NY location if the job was awesome. basically, what i really want to know is do i need a car? because i don't want to own one. ever again.

she said yes*

2006-06-17T12:54:00.000-05:00

sean is getting married.

sean said he would never even think about getting married till he was 35. and then he met. and everything changed.

and the end of the story is that my big brother proposed last night, to a lovely and sweet and fiesty, beautiful 26 woman last night, on a beach in north carolina.

and she said yes.

growing up is an odd thing. it doesn't happen all at once, so you barely notice the huge evolving process you are consumed by. and then something "grown up" happens in your life and WHAM - you realize how old you are and how not ready you are to be that old.

and i am ready. i am totally ready for this. abby and jen and beck will all remember the countless girls i tried (with no success - i am the absolute worst matchmaker) i tried to set sean up with in college. and jen is so perfect for him. and i've known for about 8 months (that is, approximately two weeks after they started dating) that they would get married and i would love that and i would get to have a sister-in-law and i would get to be "aunt monica" and life at the ammirati's would be better with jen in it.

but still . . . he's my brother. my only sibling. and for most of my life (and his) i was the only woman. i came first. he protected me. he took me on dates. we took vacations together. i was the girl sean brought to parties. and not that sean has forgotten about me, but our relationship has changed. he has jen to ask for advice about clothes. he takes her to the movies. he stays up all hours of the night talking to her about life and God and the future.

and so while i'm thrilled and excited and ready, i'm also feeling this change. our family will change, in good ways certainly, but it will change. and as enthusiastic as i am, i'm a little sad to be losing the best brother that any girl ever had.

*this is an actual title of a country song. and i'm delighted to be able to use it.

one last time

2006-06-14T15:22:00.000-05:00

i feel like i've been on a sabbatical from the blog world.

i think that's because i've been on a sabbatical from the blog world. it wasn't on purpose, but when i'm not always sitting down at a computer the minute i get back to my room, blogging just doesn't take top priority. (on that note: i love feeling freed from my computer. i love not having the instinct to check my email 24 hours a day. it's delightful.)

so it turns out that i need to find a job. imagine that. not a job for the summer. i have plenty of those (praise the Lord! it wasn't looking good for awhile . . . ). i need a job for the rest of my life. a;lfjakfj;lkdjfa;lskdfj;ladka;skjdk. feeling somewhat stressed about the whole process. but excited mostly. right now, i'm thinking that i would LOVE to work at disney. the contacts i would make there would be irreplacable and after disney, i could work anywhere in the world. anywhere in the world. pretty awesome.

tonight joel and i are going to see rob thomas and jewel perform at blossom. my parents got free tickets and passed them along to us. when i called joel to tell him, his exact words were: "who's rob thomas? didn't he go to grove city?"

sadly, i really had no idea either. i knew he was famous. goo goo dolls i thought? it turns out that he used to be in matchbox 20. so that's cool.

joel and i are both big jewel non-fans, so we plan on mocking her during her portion of the concert. did anyone ever actually read that book of poetry she wrote???? i didn't think so.

so that's life. that sums it up i think. job searching and jewel watching.

if you live nearby, come visit us. seriously. if you don't live nearby, we may come visit you. it's weird not being surrounded by people 24 hours a day.

and with this post, i think i'm back. keep me accountable all. love and miss you all.

that's what i love about sunday

2006-05-29T21:06:00.000-05:00

i had a horrible nightmare last night.

this is nothing unusual for me, particularly this week, as i've had one almost every night since i've been home. they mostly revolve around college and graduation - things perhaps left unsaid or things i'm worried i've left undone. [note: this always happens post-production as well. the week after i start having nightmares that the show is starting again, all the actors have left, and dr. dixon and i will be performing the whole thing from memory . . . come to think of it, he would really enjoy that.]

but last evening's sleep brought an unexpected sort of nightmare. for some reason, i found myself in a parking lot where a battle between two gangs had started. there was lots of swearing (i think . . . even in my sleep i try to censor the bad words) and lots of fighting and lots of blood. there was even a head on a stick (GROSS). i started to run away, when a frightening man held a gun to my head and pushed me to the ground and told me that i could be next. it was terrifying.

the strangest part of it is, i can absolutely remember what i prayed as i lay on the cold, damp ground. i know who i prayed for. i know what i asked God. i know exactly what i was feeling.

so weird. it's like i've caught a glimpse into a near death experience (rachel, i don't pretend to be the expert you are, though we certainly should talk some time), without any of the real trauma. and it really does give you perspective. it's like i've been allowed to see what is most important in my life.

in other news . . . joel and i are spending the summer in ohio. yippee! though if that sentence had just read, "joel and i are spending the summer in illinois," it would have still been followed by "yippee!" both options were great, things just fell into place here. so i'm headed out to illinois tomorrow and we'll drive back together on thursday. pray that i find a job here . . . it's difficult being overqualified for every job that is willing to hire short-term. more difficult still knowing that i will have to job hunt again starting in just mere weeks.

it's good to be home. weird, but good. i miss college. i ache for all of you. dorm life - there is just nothing like it. currently though, what trumps all the oddness of post-graduation life is my enthusiasm for tomorrow's trip.

write. call. i'll try to answer. love to all of you.

ps - trey - read your blog and it never lets me post comments so i'm writing you on mine, knowing you'll read it. you're not moving to nyc????? what????

long time gone

2006-05-11T16:15:00.000-05:00

finally ready to graduate.

(i feel like this post should be significantly longer, but that sums up absolutely everything i'm feeling right now.)

good luck on finals everyone. see you on the other side.

breathe in, breathe out

2006-04-27T12:30:00.000-05:00

Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.

- arnold bennet -

so it's started to hit me.

last night, i was in the SAC. i had date time with abbie which was supposed to be followed by consecutive date with megs. meg and kay and doug came in from rehearsal and plopped down on the fantastic rug that seems to have been permanently left in the gee (and i love it). they ordered a pizza. within 10 minutes, there was a group of 10 delightful people gathered around, shamelessly mooching off of their culinary purchase. and it was great. and as i sat there, i realized that this will not happen again in my life. i will never experience something like that after college.

in new york, it will take quite a bit of organization to get 10 friends (and i feel i should mention that i will be feel BLESSED to even have 10 friends. please God, let me make friends) together for a casual evening. it won't ever be "casual" again. it will take work and effort and planning. things like that won't just happen.

and i love things like that. i love people. i love the people at GCC. they are wonderful. i love college. i love the college life of little sleep, poor dietary habits and reckless abandon of anything healthy. i love living in a dorm full of incredible women; no matter what time it is, one of whom will definitely be awake and ready to talk. i love our theatre. i love the Little Theatre especially. i like being able to use my gifts daily. i like being challenged. i like challenging other people.

i just caught up on my blog reading and was really struck by katie's post about moving to a new place and knowing absolutely no one. i don't know what that would be like. i've always known someone. in elementary school, high school, college. what would it be like to not know anyone? new york city was lonely last summer. big cities always are, especially at first. there are millions of people surrounding you and you begin to realize that not a single one of them cares if you are alive.

i've been overwhelmed this week at how many people care about me. how many people are praying for me. how many people stop me on the sidewalk and ask about my recent health problem. that's incredible to me. incredible. i'm going to miss that too; that feeling of community that is so real and tangible here.

whew. this feels sad to write about. and i'm genuniely excited about graduation and pursuing all the things i've always wanted to do and going all the places i've always wanted to be. but it's still a bit overwhelming.

sleepin' on the foldout

2006-04-24T22:52:00.000-05:00

[note: the following illustration is shamelessly inspired by miss kayla, who gave a stunning audition for Children's Theatre 2005, where she re-enacted one of the most dramatic moments in television history]

i am jessie spano (sp?) from saved by the bell.

particularly in that fateful episode where jessie takes the caffeine pills and dances around to that horrible 80's song in her leg warmers and brightly colored spandex top.

though, when i put it that way, i guess i'm not at all like her as i 1) do not take caffeine pills (except for that one horrible, much regretted night last semester) and 2) i don't own any brightly colored spandex (anymore).

but i am suffering from some sort of anxiety disorder. or i think i am. or i might be. on friday, i had an "episode" after dinner and it was repeated (in milder forms) on saturday and this morning. we don't know why. but i think it's stress.

frankly, this should be the least stressful semester of my life. i am the least involved i've ever been. i have nothing going on right now except one acts and spring queen-ness (both of which are enjoyable to say the least). i had a wonderful easter break, spent with my even more wonderful boyfriend. i'm going to have a delighful summer. sometime in the not so distant future i'm going to pursue a career doing something i will love.

sounds delighful, right? it is. but i think graduation, though thrilling in so many senses, is also scary and a bit intimidating. and that, combined with a diet of only chicken and very little to no sleep, has manifested itself in dizzy episodes.

so monica is going to sleep more. and eat fruits and veggies. and take vitamins. and perhaps take up a sport (or NOT . . . but i do enjoy a visit to the gym now and then). and all will be well.

right? right. =)

in other news, delightful day of joel's birthday-ness yesterday. did you know that pittsburgh is home to a National Aviary (that's birds, not planes). you should go and experience the thrill of birds eating out of your hand and the always real possibility of bird droppings landing on your head at any moment.

exciting weekend ahead . . . joel's senior engineering presenation + half of ADEL formal + semi-annual dinner at bravo's + gala + several bridal showers + senior recital.

when i wake in the morning and my mom lets out a warning
and i think i'll never make it on time
by the time i grab my books and i give myself a look
i'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by
it's all right (cause we're saved by the)
it's all right (cause we're saved by the)
it's all right (cause we're saved by the)
cause we're saved by the bell

when the teacher pops a test, i know i'm in a mess
cause my dog ate all my homework last night
riding low in my chair, she won't know that i'm there
if i can hand it in tomorrow, it will be all right
it's all right (cause we're saved by the)
it's all right (cause we're saved by the)
it's all right (cause we're saved by the)
cause we're saved by the bell . . . . yeah!

live like you were dyin'

2006-04-17T23:47:00.000-05:00

i am back from break.

to recap:
it was AMAZING. AMAZING. AMAZING.

highlights include:

water exercise class led by joel's mom (where she kept introducing me as his "classmate" until i told her that i was really quite comfortable being his girlfriend)
grandma maureen at my house for a surprise easter visit
double date with joel's grandpa and his girlfriend janet
the incredible fine arts center at notre dame and the stupendous film class that i sat in on (oh gcc communications department - i can't wait to improve you)
waking up each morning . . . no responsbilities, no class, no hurrying
the mississippi river (don't you just love spelling mississippi? m i s s i s s i p p i)
easter egg hunt (with prize total of $48)
easter morning (i LOVE easter)
time with families
joel picking a grad school . . . and that grad school being georgia tech
loooooong (and wonderful) drive from illinois to ohio
birthday shopping with mrs. boerckel
mom getting her haircut to match mine

this list could get long. and it's not much fun reading a few word synopsis of someone else's memories, is it?

we're back from break. time for monica to 1) get a job 2) get an apartment 3) graduate from college.

life moves quickly. it feels like yesterday that i was in nyc working at roundabout. will life always travel at this pace? will it finally slow down when i'm done with school? or a decade from now, will i be remembering with fondness the last month of my college career, and having the same feeling - that it was just a moment ago . . .

anyone else feeling the bittersweetness of these last few weeks???

when God fearin' women get the blues

2006-04-04T20:46:00.000-05:00

a few weekends ago, my future roommate and I decided to spend some quality time together. at grove city, that means head to the SAC and wait for someone to do something crazy. after a few hours of uneventful sitting, we headed back to my room and did maybe the best thing that's ever been done on a friday night: we wrote our very own teenage angst story, ala chicken soup for the teenage soul. we took turns writing paragraphs (or when i was lazy, i would write a sentence and hand it back to jennifer) and what resulted is a masterpiece in any critic's eyes.

instead of writing a blog about how i can't wait one more minute till break or why i am very glad that joel is finishing his last grad school visit (or at least his last visit without me) or how i am busily preparing for my life in nyc (let's face it, none of those are interesting for you to read or me to write) . . . i bring you our story. love it. hate it. whatever. we're submitting it and making a name for ourselves. theatre development? law school? please. we're serious writers. see for yourself . . .

tragedy strikes at the aquarium

when i woke up that morning, i envisioned a day like any other. when i cried myself to sleep that night, i knew my life had been changed forever. yes. yes indeed. when i broke up with my boyfriend of three months in front of the shark tank, it was a pain that my fourteen year old heart had never known before.

i didn't see it coming. from my young innocent eyes, he was everything i'd ever dreamed a pre-pubescent boyfriend would be. we ate lunch together, often on the same side of the table. sometimes, we'd manage to touch our sweaty hands on the way to class. he bought me a candy bar once. i figured it'd only be weekes before we'd get really serious: i mean, come on. he sent me carnations during the spanish club's valentine's day fundraiser, and nothing says that i plan to ask for your father's blessing in pursuing a marriage-minded dating relationship like three pink carnations tied together with a curling ribbon. impending true love, right? WRONG. wrong, wrong, wrong.

things started to go downhill when i saw him talking to emily after home ec last tuesday. i better explain who emily is. she's every pimple-faced, greasy haired, awkward bodied fourteen year old girls' nightmare. emily never had pimples. her hair always looks clean. she moved out of her training bra model ages before any of us even knew what that fabric was supposed to cover.

anyways, i saw them talking. later, i tried to ask zach (that's my boyfriend, well, ex-boyfriend) about it. our conversation went like this. i was like, "so, emily . . ." and he was all, "yeah, she's really cool, isn't she?" i was like, "whore! get away from my boyfriend and stop trying to make him think you're cool." except i only said that in my mind. actually, i tried to say it out loud, but it came out, "ah, huh . . yeah . . mrrr." but he knew. zach's perceptive like that, which is why i totally loved him and that that he would make such a good courtship partner, because he gets me. he knew. it was obvious that i was driven insane with jealousy. things just got awkward, right up until the fateful day of the shark tank heartbreak.

i thought it would be the day when everything would go back to the way it used to be. we'd forget about emily and her whoring ways. who knows - we might even sneak a kiss behind the display on goldfish inbreeding. but none of that happened. instead, when we were in front of the kissing fish tank, he looked deep into my eyes, and i could tell something big was going to happen and my stomach started flipping and my heart was just like racing like i ran seven miles or something and i had a premonition that all of my hopes and dreams for taking our relationship to the next level were going to come true!!!

he sighed romantically and said, "emily, do you know you're beautiful?"

i felt like he had punched me in the stomach and spit in my hair and told everyone about the time i got my period in homeroom - all at once. yes, all of those bad things combined could not have been worse than hearing him call me that ho-bag name on accident. he knew what he had done as soon as the words were out of his mouth, but by then it was too late. i ran, sobbing, to the shark tank.

he followed, sheepishly. i said, "zach, how could you do that? i've never once called you 'brad,' even though i've thought he was the hottest guy to live since nick carter. how would you like that, huh?"

he didn't even cry. he's so strong like that. he turned to me and said, with that fearless look in his eyes, "i was gonna do this next week, but i guess now is as good a time as any."

my heart pounded. was he going to propose?

"i think we should break up."

AAIIIEEEEEAAAIIIAIIAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is the sound my soul made. i stomped out. i went home. i called him eleven times. his mom told me that it was too late to keep calling. i know for sure (for sure, for sure - just like i know that emily will get an STD before we get to tenth grade) that i will win him back. someday. you need hope, because without hope, you are all hopeless and dead inside. so i keep hoping and keep smiling, even though i have gone through more pain in one day than most people endure in their whole lives.

the end.

come a little closer baby

2006-04-02T14:11:00.000-05:00

this morning i woke up and literally, the first thought that went through my head was the lines of the "twitting" from cagebirds.

Lord, forgive us our decisions. don't hold them against us. cross them out. blot them out. i'll take it back, i won't do it again . . . but that means another decision, and i never make decisions.

no idea why this came to me, especially at that time of day. but i do love that play. and i do love that character.

i find myself strangely out of place on campus these days. there is talk in the air of what productions craig and dixon will choose next year. what theme homecoming will display all over campus. and i as i begin to contribute to the conversation, i realize that it has nothing to do with me. i won't be in a production next year. i won't run homecoming. i'm beginning to be less and less a part of life here. and i think that's good. there needs to be a time of transition. the question is, am i ready for that transition?

i'm beginning to have what i call "career ADD." every day i wake up with a new idea of what i could do with my life. (and by "life," i mean the next 3 months. that's all i can handle right now.) within the past 24 hours alone, i've considered: real estate agent, gallery assistant, development associate, retail manager, college admissions counselor. WHO AM I? the monica that i know is focused and driven towards one singular goal. this new monica is a bit scary and intimidating, even for me.

God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan. but i really really wish that He would just let me have a peek at it.

honky tonk badonkadonk

2006-03-28T11:26:00.000-06:00

i will never use the first floor restrooms in the SAC ever again.

never ever ever ever ever.

last night, while i was minding my own business and doing my darndest to distract anyone and everyone so that i could avoid studying, i thought to myself, "hey, i need to use the restroom." now i've always felt comfortable using the private bathrooms in the SAC. people have shared with me their anxiety about doing so, but i never paid that any heed. until last night.

[note: allan, on the blog that he recklessly deleted, had many a post dedicated to the proper behavior when using these specific bathrooms. i won't go into it all here, but to summarize: don't knock. why knock? if it's locked, it's locked. if not, feel free to enter.]

i mosey on over to the first bathroom and i begin to open the door. i hear some water running and think, "hmm. that's odd. why would the sink be running in an empty bathroom." I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED THERE. but in typical monica fashion, while asking far too probing of questions or anything else, i don't analyze before i continue. so i open the door fully to reveal a very awkward (freshman perhaps?) young man. and he is peeing. and it is horrible for of us. i think i mumbled something and ran away in shock.

to be honest, i could not pick this guy out of a crowd. the trauma of the event has made my mind a complete blank. and i think that's for the best.

in other news . . . . pirates has ended. i feel sad and happy and relieved and calm and restless and eager. i'm ready for thirteen things to start. and i'm excited that i'm directing two shows back to back that are so entirely different.

don't you just love spring??? I DO!!!!!! and i am counting down the seconds until spring break, which promises to be a delightful wonderful fabulous week. =)

just give me that wink

2006-03-23T17:05:00.000-06:00

i love show week.

everything about it is euphoria. before it comes, you work for weeks and weeks and weeks. you tell yourself that the show is never going to come together. you hear other people remark that the show is never going to come together. you don't sleep a lot. you are nervous and discouraged and frankly, scared out of your mind.

and then finally, in the blink of an eye, it's opening night. everything you've worked for falls into place. for me, the sense of euphoria is heightened as a director. each night, i am proud of 35+ individual performances. i go to bed every night with a sense of total joy and accomplishment. i wake up each morning, eager for 7 PM so i can tell the cast how proud of them i am.

i was worried about pirates. it's not the kind of show that i am typically drawn to. and i felt the outcome of the show weighed heavily on my shoulders. i did not want to disappoint dr. dixon or anyone else for that matter. the music is difficult, the show depends entirely on pacing and performance, and it just seemed unlikely that we could pull it off in such a short amount of time.

last night was opening night. and the cast blew the audience away. today, walking from class to class, i heard people singing the music. the seats for friday evening are so coveted that i'm afraid there really might be a stampede at the door.

maybe the audience is reacting with so much enthusiasm because major barbara was such a LOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGG play. you are in and out of pirates in an hour and 45 minutes, intermission included. maybe people like the silliness. maybe the music is more well-known than i anticipated.

whatever the reason, the cast is doing an incredible job. and i am so proud.

off to night #2 . . .

have you forgotten

2006-03-17T10:29:00.000-06:00

i think i'm hallucinating.

this week i've "seen" katie kokan, bethany klein, mike barakat and nike baker.

none of the aforementioned people are actually on grove city's campus anymore. but i've been having these crazy moments where i'll really think they're here and i'll almost say hi and then i realize how insane that is and that i'm being a weird pyscho and that if i say "hi katie!" to some poor freshman that doesn't know who i am let alone who katie is, it will make the moment even weirder.

but it makes me wish they were here. and makes me wonder if i'll soon be spotting phil ezzo or chelsea white or diana petras. and this whole thing tells me that I NEED MORE SLEEP.

note: the TLC has spent days hunting me down and it's finally unavoidable: they are taking my computer. i don't know for how long or how many years of my life it will be gone, but i'm gonna miss it. TLC workers, please be good to my baby. (i actually don't love my computer enough to call it "baby" but i want to be nice to it before it goes away, maybe for good.)

let's be us again

2006-03-13T17:07:00.000-06:00

it's tech week. that means my life is crazy busy (exceptionally more than usual).

but i'm proud of myself because today was a productive day:
ate breakfast/time with joel/"worked"
read for class
lunch with friends
finished schindler's list (for class . . . what a movie)
dinner with friends
gym
read for class

and tonight starts the beginning of many late night rehearsals. this week may be busy, but it's one of my favorite of the year. everything you've worked sooo hard for all semester begins to come together.

off to pew on this BEAUTIFUL day.

complicated

2006-03-08T09:37:00.000-06:00

yesterday afternoon/night turned my day (which had bordered on not so great), into sheer wonderfulness.

one act auditions were incredible. i think last night's auditions may be my favorite of all time. every girl who auditioned was supposed to tell me a story. any story she wanted. any story at all. the experience was fairly incredible; the stories ranged from random to hysterical to heartbreaking. so to anyone who auditioned who may happen to read this: thank you. i so appreciated that you all were willing to open up your hearts to me like that. if only it could be a 20 women show!!

i am so excited to begin this one act. A:LASJLKEOWIKDMSGHSVCKKJD:SK.

also, and i will keep this brief and as non-mushy as possible . . . i have a great boyfriend. i have a really great boyfriend. it is one of my deepest desires that every girl i know and love could be this lucky. but i guess i don't wish that enough that i'm willing to share. =)

i am getting excited about nyc. or should i say, i am getting excited again. i have been doing a lot of job searching online, emailing old contacts, planning a trip to the city, etc. i don't know what God has for me there. but i know He has been there (or at least somewhere!) preparing a place for me. graduation is still a bit scary and overwhelming and SOON, but God has been so faithful in making my four years at college more than i could have ever dreamed. i absolutely trust that He will do the same after gcc.

well back to my new "productive day off." i'm learning to really get things done on the days i don't have class. and i like that.

she said yes

2006-03-07T11:21:00.000-06:00

this semester has taught me a lot. it's been a chance for me to really reflect on all these things i thought i was and all the things i hope to be.

if you would have asked me a month ago, "monica, how do you handle criticism?" i can only imagine that my answer would have been completely positive. i've always defined myself as someone who is anxious to learn and grow and become the best version of myself.

but maybe that's not true. i want to believe it is, but i feel like it's really been tested lately. example: this morning, i was chatting with a cast member on my way into the SAC. very off-handedly, he mentioned one of my weaknesses as a director. it's a weakness i already know to be true, a weakness that can sometimes play into a strength (particularly during one acts). i tried to shrug it off, as i know he offered it in a sense of encouragement, but hours later, it is still weighing on my mind.

what i hope will happen is that i'll take this comment, move forward, and try to become a better director. but right now, i feel like i'd rather take a few hours, go back to my room, and let it all out. i want so badly to be a good director; frankly, i want to be the best. but i haven't felt that way in awhile.

tonight we'll cast one-acts. this one-act both thrills and terrifies me. it will be the most difficult piece i've ever attempted in college. i have no idea where to even begin the blocking process for one woman alone onstage for almost half an hour. and it feels strange to have all these feelings of inadequacy surrounding the one acts; the place i feel most at home, most alive and more in control than anywhere else.

deep breaths monica. one day at a time.

you go first

2006-03-06T10:22:00.000-06:00

i love vacations. and as i haven't been on very many vacations without my family, i would have to say that i feel particularly attached to family vacactions. i love my mom. and my dad. and my brother. and jen (sean's girlfriend). having a significant other on our family vacations was a bit odd, but not in a bad way. it certainly changed our family dynamic, but maybe mostly because sean is so incredibly in love with this woman and we've never witnessed that before.

i love florida. i love the warm weather. and the beautiful sunshine. and the smell of water. and seeing children fall in love with mickey for the first time. and seeing my mom fall in love with epcot for the thousandth time. i love it all.

i love lorna. she is the kind of friend that everyone should be so lucky to have, and i'm not quite sure how i became so blessed. she is nothing you could expect and everything you could want. spontaneous, engaging, hysterical, encouraging, beautiful, godly, quirky, and just plain lovable. i adore her. i can't believe that after years spent mostly apart, we sit down together and its like no time has ever passed.

i love alligators. i don't know why. i don't really see myself as the "alligator loving" type, but if you could see me in gatorland (cue cheesy commercial voice: florida's BEST half-day attraction), you would become a believer. something about alligators is just so darn cute to me.

i love alone time. despite the family vacaction-ness of my break, there was quite a bit of time that i got to spend alone. i encouraged all the lovebirds (my parents included) to have their special time, which meant a lot of time for me to sit by the pool and just think. it felt fantastic. these past fews week at school have been non-stop and i was really aching for some time for me and God to sort some things out. it felt great to have uninterrupted hours of time when i could just be with me.

that being said . . .

i love coming back. break is wonderful and amazing and it's hard to imagine that in a few short weeks, "break" will be something during which i don't get paid. i loved being alone and being with my fam, but this morning, i felt such complete joy waking up to the sounds of my beautiful suitemates singing in the bathroom. i really missed my friends. and it feels good to be surrounded by them once again.

welcome back everyone.

just to see you smile

2006-02-24T18:53:00.000-06:00

i can't believe it's almost break. this semester is flying by. and i'm not surprised by that, but it hits me at certain moments. and then i think about how soon we'll all be gone and how different life will be when we're not here.

for instance, katie was just talking to me about how when she comes home, no one is at her apartment that knows her or loves her. (actually, no one is at her apartment in general, since she lives alone) and that's an odd phenomenon to all of us in college. we're used to living with people who know us so intimately. when abby gets home from school, it takes her about 5 seconds to figure out if i've had a bad day or a good day. when i wake up in the morning, beck and jen can instantly tell if i'm sleepy or grumpy or running late or excited (sometimes all of the above are true at the same time).

but it won't always be like that . . . case in point: my first roommate last summer. she's a sweet girl, but asked me one question all summer. literally. you think i'm exaggerating, but it's the truth. only one time did she ask me how my day was. (and i mean she didn't even do the obligatory return question when i would ask her how her day was). and that was so odd to me. and weird. and difficult to get used to. she didn't know me. and she didn't have any interest in doing so. she wasn't particularly mean or rude, she just had her own life and didn't see the need to invest in mine. and after living at grove city for three years and spending a majority of that time trying to invest in other's lives and having others do the same for me, it was a really hard adjustment.

we'll all adjust to life after graduation. we'll have to. and i think some aspects of post-college life will be unbelievable. we can live anywhere in the world that we want, do whatever we want . . . there is total freedom like we've never experienced before. and that will be thrilling and exhilirating . . . and a bit scary.

so i'm gonna go enjoy college life. i hope you do the same.

no shoes, no shirt, no problems

2006-02-20T15:34:00.000-06:00

a short, but sweet, snyopsis of the past few weeks:

- the ladies in hicks now ask me if i want honey. that's right, i said hicks. katie and chelsea, be proud. i'm transcended both cafeterias. (and on a "i now love hicks" note, they always have honey. MAP often doesn't.)
- valentine's day was delightful.
- pirates is going well. dr. dixon has started signing off his emails to me as "JD," which seems like a big step in our relationship. he comes to rehearsal for the first time tonight. let's hope i prove him right.
- courtship & marriage is maybe one of the best classes i've ever taken here. i'm quite sure that's because i'm a COMM major. but still. dr. jones = insightful brilliance. if i had known that man earlier, i think i would have stuck with my once thought of intention of becoming a SOCI major.
- kayla and i are having a sleepover on friday night. ALJA:KJLKFD:OIWEJKCNFHDSHK. very excited.
- i'm going to orlando in 9 days. LKJ:OIUEOIJKMNA:SLK:DJAD. i am literally aching for time with my family. this will also be our first family vacation where there is a "significant other" that comes along. which i'm excited about. it makes me feel old. but excited.

so much more to say. but dinner calls. dinner in hicks, nonetheless. i hear there's chicken . . .

the truth about men

2006-02-18T17:52:00.000-06:00

jen has tagged me. as my saturday has been spent doing absolutely nothing (which is exactly what i wanted to do today), i figured i could go all out and complete the assignment.

4 jobs i've had:
1. plato's closet (oh i how loved all those used clothes. delightful)
2. production assistant for the make believe players (oh how i loved all those old people)
3. web designer (oh how i loved all that . . . html code)
4. education intern (oh how i loved BROADWAY!)

4 movies i could watch over and over:
1. drive me crazy
2. return to me
3. ocean's 11
4. the italian job

4 places i've lived:
1. the highest point in summit county (aka my old house)
2. a condo in kent, OH
3. new hope, PA
4. the upper west side

4 shows i love:
1. saved by the bell
2. the wonder years
3. clarissa explains it all
4. boy meets world
[note how none of them are from this decade. when the savage brothers left the entertainment industry, i stopped watching]

4 places i've vacationed:
1. rome, italy
2. the netherlands
3. panama city, FL
4. orlando, FL (two weeks!)

4 favorite dishes:
1. chicken
2. chicken with fries
3. chicken with mashed potatoes
4. chicken burrito

4 sites i visit daily:
1. yahoo.com
2. facebook.com
3. does outlook count?
4. i guess i'm not online enough . . .

4 places i'd rather be:
1. italy
2. new york city
3. the boat =)
4. anywhere that sean and my parents are

i'm not tagging anyone in return. if you'd like to do the survey, feel free.

i promise promise promise promise a real update soon.

this one's for the girls

2006-02-17T16:48:00.000-06:00

this is a poor excuse for a post, but i thought i'd share an excerpt from the monologue i'll be performing tonight. it's from the play, cigarettes and chocolate by anthony minghella. i confess i've never read the entire work (an absolute N-O for ever performing a selection, but what can i say, i ran out of time). it's the final speech of the play, as Gemma confesses to the audience why she gave up talking. that's right. this women stops speaking for months, much to the confusion of her family and friends.

the earlier part of the piece reflects on how very little changes in life . . . life is cyclical and if you hang around long enough, you'll discover that the pattern just repeats itself. [fashion is certainly one obvious example of the "life cycle," which is touched on in the piece.]

but anyways . . . this particular part struck me and is the reason i decided to do this selection.

What do you remember? When all is said and done? A kiss? The taste of someone’s lips? A view? A breath? A tune? The weight of your grandmother’s coffin? The veins on your mother’s legs. The white lines on her stomach.

Don’t speak for a day and then start looking.

i just love it.
enjoy the weekend everyone.

me neither

2006-02-16T10:32:00.000-06:00

there has been a call for an update. multiple calls actually.

but i don't have time. so i'll summarize briefly.

life is good. life is busy. i miss my girls. rehearsals are going well. i have two tests today. i studied for multiple hours last night. i miss sleep. i miss naps. my parents were here last weekend. i liked that. i am in the mood to read a good book. i have been doing a lot of thinking.

after this weekend, i think i'll feel like i am on top of my life again. i'll write more then.

she only smokes when she drinks

2006-02-08T10:20:00.000-06:00

i've found myself being jealous of rachel and her consistent titles, always beginning with, "in which . . . " and so on.

so i've decided that from here on out, my blog titles will be the names of very random country songs. in all likelihood, they will have nothing to do with the actual contents of the post. but they will be fun. and they will serve to help educate any of my unfortunate readers who don't already have a vast knowledge of country music (how do they survive?).

also . . . allan and i are going to take a stab at writing "he said/she said" for the incomparable Collegian. it would certainly help us out if anyone wants to suggest a first topic for us to try. (and valentine's day is out, so if you were going to suggest that, don't. it was done last year and our column won't be printed in time for it to be relevant.)

also . . . my life is pretty fantastic. so fantastic that sometimes i'm bit overwhelmed.

also . . . i can't imagine planning a wedding. within the next 5 weeks i have to buy a wedding dress, find kids to be in the ceremony, pick out flowers, pick out bridesmaid dresses, and well, that's it. and that seems like a lot. rachel, i salute you.

pool party

2006-02-06T09:43:00.000-06:00

[note: i'd been planning on posting some pictures with this blog, but i wasn't able to. so you'll have to imagine the whole thing in your mind.]

"so, what are you doing this weekend?"
"going to a hotel."
"oh . . . where are you going?"
"the grove city holiday inn express."
"oh . . . are your parents coming into town?"
"no."
(awkward silence) "oh . . . so is it like some sort of party?"
"yeah, you could say that."

the above is a paraphrase of many of my conversations at the end of last week. no one seemed to be able to wrap their mind around the brilliance that was hotel night 06. and it was brilliant. and it was wonderful. and i think its safe to say that it was everything we'd hoped it would be and more.

why did we go? because we wanted to. we didn't go to drink. we didn't go so we could have co-ed sleepovers. we didn't go to do anything rebellious. we just loved the idea. and who wouldn't? hotels are delightful places. they give the (false) sense that you are on vacation. you don't feel hurried in a hotel. you don't feel pressured. you can take your time. be lazy. go swimming. eat the free continental breakfast.

and that's what we did. we also had a hair-dye-ing party, complete with musical guest, "blessed union of souls." (katie and chels, we took pictures like you did. but we forgot to take the after pictures. so all we have are slightly inappropriate pictures of girls in bikinis with hair dye. so we won't be posting those. but we wanted to!) we had swim time in pool, where some 9 years old were having their first hotel night, which we loved. way to jump on the party train early. we started a scary movie. then we started another movie. the next morning we all went to church to hear the lovely miss kay and the fantastic mr. mcelroy sing at tower.

such a good time. i'm sorry it had to end, but i'm so glad we were able to make it happen. to megs, abs, and kay . . . i love you all. you are a source of such joy for me. i've loved being a part of your lives here at gcc. continue striving to be the women that God is calling you to be and everything else will fall into place.

tequila makes her clothes fall off

2006-02-02T22:56:00.000-06:00

"Valentine's Day is like herpes: just when you think its gone for good, it rears its ugly head once more. No wonder some people prefer to call it VD."

[this will not be a post about valentines day. i just think that quote is funny.]

some days, i really think that anything in the world is possible. most days i guess i have some concious knowledge of that fact. but on certain days, or during certain moments rather, the thought will hit me that all these things that i've dreamt about since i was a little girl could actually happen. growing up, i was never one of those girls who dreamed about bridal showers and weddings and all that. i'm still not. it just never struck me as a practical use of my time.

my mom sent me a card today that had a picture inside of me as a little girl. it took me back to a time when i spent all my days dreaming about all the things i could do. while my friends played "house" and "wedding," i'd be in my own corner, playing "broadway" or "business." maybe i'd be a doctor or a lawyer or a vet or a flight attendant or a dancer or a writer or an actress or a CEO or an accountant . . . . it didn't matter. i knew that the world was waiting for me to do something huge. my parents were great about instilling in me the belief that there was nothing i couldn't accomplish. no goal was out of reach.

maybe i lose that idea sometimes in the midst of everyday life, especially when it seems so overwhelming to just move to NYC, let alone take on the city full force.

but by golly, it's going to happen. i will move to new york. my dreams will come true. i don't how or when or with what means, but they will.

i can't wait.

boys and girls: part 1

2006-02-02T19:47:00.000-06:00

yesterday's rehearsal consisted of men running around stage, trying to outdo each other in feats of masculinity. they were leaping and jumping and lifting . . . and quite often falling flat on their faces. each act of courage prompted another member guy to chime in with, "well, watch this!" which caused a calm rehearsal to escalate into a poorly executed WWE match. while amusing for us as directors, it made me reflect on the art of male compeitition, which seems so deeply imbedded into men's souls. they will literally put their young lives on the line, all for the sake of impressing each other and whatever women happen to be in sight. incredible.

women compete as well, but in much more subtle ways. for example, it's been argued that women don't dress up for men, but for each other. i don't know if i agree completely, as i certainly have gotten "gussied up" from time to time for various members of the opposite sex. but i do find truth in the premise. girls are much more likely to say, "oh, cute necklace" or "i love those shoes . . . where'd you get them?" girls love to feel pretty and feminine, and all too often the females we surround ourselves with are the standard by which we judge both ourselves and others.

but if we're being honest (and i'm not entirely sure why i just used the contraction "we're," as i am writing this blog post. alone.), i think most women are in competition for one thing only: men. gentleman, this may surprise you, as you might not notice when or how we're competing. but i assure you, we've all fallen prey to it at some time or other. we won't beat each other up to gain your affection, but we will try to outwit or outdo other women whom we feel could be threats to highly sought male attention.

ironically, though i am a highly competitive person in some ways, i didn't fall prey to this sad (and i use the word "sad" very purposely) aspect of womanhood often. instead, while battling through those treacherous times deemed "adolesence," i sensed the war that was waging among women - and i wanted nothing to do with it. thus began my passion for trying to really love other women. i didn't want to be part of that competition. if that meant that i didn't receive the attention other girls did, fine. it just wasn't worth it to me. it broke my heart to see women, who were created for relationship, seemingly ruining friendships with each other for the fleeting attention of teenage boys.

[note: i am not pointing to myself as an example of what all women should aspire to be. certainly not. i could write a collection of novels on my individual struggles and sins. this is me just rambling on observations i've made over the years.]

so where does this leave us? men beating each other up. women in cat-fights.

there has to be a better answer. but i don't have one. competition can be healthy and great and just plain fun. it can drive us to feats of athleticism or better grades or new ways of curing cancer (that was allan's contribution to this post. thanks). and quite frankly, where would be without great legends of competition, all for the sake of love? camelot and a knight's tale and romeo and juliet and the trojan wars and you get the idea. so i'm certainly not for eliminating competition all together.

maybe we all just need a better perspective. is there any possiblity of us all just stepping outside the craziness that often envelopes guy-girl relationships and just take a moment and laugh? yes, let's laugh. and then realize that so much exists outside the world of male-female interaction. maybe nothing worth blogging about, but certainly some things. =)

coming soon: we're all in it for the chase . . .

mr. winter, where'd you go?

2006-01-30T09:38:00.000-06:00

it's a gorgeous january day in western pennsylvania.

huh?

i just rachel's blog regarding her seeming inability to be productive now that her schedule is practically stress-free. rachel, i concur.

i'm only involved in one production right now. just one. so i'm not balancing rehearsals that overlap or two production schedules or appeasing multiple casts/directors. and that feels funny.

and unfortunately, due to the nature of my chosen career path, i can't begin any sort of real job search until april. so while i watch friends fill out applications and interview, i continue to patiently (or not so patiently, depending on the day) wait for my chance to join the "grown up" world.

i'm trying to enjoy the laidback-ness that is the beginning of my semester. i'm sure in just a short time i'll be longing for time off. but it does feel weird. and i'm not sure what to do with all this time.

for now, i'll share with you an excerpt from an email i recently received. although taken out of context from the rest of the email, i thought it served as wise advice for all of us beginnging to wonder where or what or who we're going to be once we leave gcc. have a beautiful day all.

"Let yourself go, and enjoy . . . What needs to happen will come to pass, and it isn't something you have to facilitate. It's not. Come on, say it...I don't have to make this happen or not happen. I don't have to because God will. Give it up, baby! Give it up, throw your hands in the air, take a deep breath. Hang on, girl. I know you're scared. Let's just be scared together, then trust together, and move on, together. I'm so proud of you."

spring fever

2006-01-28T18:05:00.000-06:00

saturday, i think i may have wasted you.

went to a "steelers edition" alumni council luncheon.
enjoyed the BEAUTIFUL weather.
took a very very very very long nap. wow. felt wonderful.
got up.
wrote various assorted emails to far away friends.
read.

yep, that's it folks.

i heart you in a big way saturday (i was going to write "miss saturday" and then i changed it to "mr. saturday" and then i realized that i didn't know what gender i saturday would be. such a dilemna).

oh happy day

2006-01-27T13:49:00.000-06:00

when i grow up, i'd like to live somewhere with lots of sunshine.

it's a gorgeous day outside. and a fantastic day in every other way as well.

nothing really all that out of the ordinary has happened. just one of those wonderful days where it seems like everything is going to go right. maybe getting up early will turn into a habit. its certainly has worked out well today.

to celebrate (and because i miss katie and chelsea, as usual), i am playing "i believe in a thing called love" and dancing around the room and pretending i could be a rock singer. now tell me, does it get any better than that?

jessica andrews said it best

2006-01-26T22:12:00.000-06:00

jen and i had a good night. a very good night.

we went to rachel's. then we went to walmart. oh walmart, you are a delight. what can't you buy there (besides all the stuff you actually need)? we were going to have a "fish buying/hair dyeing" night, but we didn't. well, we did buy fish. i convinced jen it was a good investment at 28 cents. she agreed. now we have to name her fish. any suggestions, feel free to comment on her blog or mine.

i'm not going to bore anyone with what i bought. i think it was perhaps boring jen just shopping for it. but she's a trooper. and boy do i love her. jen is the type of friend you need to have. she'll let you cry at 1 AM without judgment or question. and later, she'll let you tell her how silly that was. when i think back to Hotel 160 and the many nights spent crying and laughing and dancing and singing . . . delightful.

i've really been struggling with self-confidence lately. and truthfully, this is a new struggle in my life. in general, i have a very healthy self-image. i've always felt fairly confident in who i am and what i can do. but not lately. and that worries me. because while i've been struggling, i've also been convicted of my sin in comparing myself to others. i wasn't created to be you. or you. or you. i could never teach like abby or katie. i'm certainly never going to be able to play softball (let alone hit a ball) like jensue. i'm not called to be a counselor or a musician or a missionary or a doctor or an engineer or a lawyer or an athlete . . .

and isn't that one of the many wonders of the God we serve? He's created billions and billions of people and no two have ever been alike. incredible. stop. really think about that. what an awesome God. and i want that to spur me on towards greater devotion, not feelings of inadequacy. i long to learn how to serve Him best with all these gifts He's given me. i so badly ache to understand how my love for theatre and my passion for people and my leadership and my heart for women can all work together, not so i gain some great reward or recognition, but so He is honored.

to my God that calmed the storm . . . calm the storm in my soul right now. i know You can. and i know You will.

she's gone

2006-01-25T09:59:00.000-06:00

"sunrise, sunrise . . . couldn't tempt us if it tried."
- nj -

i want to be a morning person. i really desperately truly absolutely do. the whole idea appeals to me: being efficient, accomplishing more during hours of the day when most of the population is awake, trying to emphathsize with my poor roommate who is forced to get up at 5:45 each day. yes, i would like to be a morning person very much.

during break, over a cup of cocoa, i announced to my mom that THIS semester i was gonna do it. i would get up early. go work out. eat breakfast. accomplish many important tasks before lunch. it would be the new improved version of monica. as i've been announcing this plan to my mom for approximately 3 years, it has little effect on her. she smiles in a way that says, "monica you are never going to change. there is no way that you will be a morning person. i want to believe that you can do this. but i know you won't."

today i decided to test myself. having gone to bed at a reasonable hour (read: 1:45 AM), i thought it would be a good morning to make an attempt. i set my alarm for 7:45, confident that i could be up and out of bed by 8.

at 10, i finally climbed down from the top bunk.

*sigh* so not today. but there's always tomorrow.

dedicated to finger spasms

2006-01-20T16:32:00.000-06:00

akjdlfksdjlkjweoiralksdjf;asldkjfsd.

yep. that basically sums up how i feel today.

finger spasms . . . perfect to express both joy and sorrow, excitement and loss, you get the idea. whatever you're feeling, you can say it through finger spasms.

go ahead and try some for yourself. i promise you won't be disappointed.

i really really really really really miss my friends. monday can't come soon enough.

mom and pop and other things

2006-01-19T10:10:00.000-06:00

today, dad came home from work at 8:30 AM to bring my mom breakfast. he drove 40 minutes so she wouldn't have to drive 5 minutes to go get it.

my parents are so in love. and i love it.

(but the really amazing part of this story is that i was AWAKE at 8:30 in the morning. wow.)

other thoughts i've had this morning:
- laundry is just something that can never really be finished. no matter how much you do, you're always getting clothes dirty.
- i'm not a morning person.
- i've been spending the last few weeks of break getting excited about going back to school . . . and in two days, i go back to school. and the millions of things i absolutely promised myself i'd get done during break, well, let's just say they're not ready to be crossed off the "to do" list.
- memoirs of a geisha was disappointing. such a bummer.
- i have more thoughts, but laundry is calling.

tomorrow i'm baking. cooking, getting up early . . . who am i?

the luckiest

2006-01-17T23:51:00.000-06:00

tonight, my parents came home from bible study (and by "came home," i simply mean they walked the four feet from the condo attached to ours, which is conveniently where their bible study leaders live) and told me a sad story. a truly a sad story. but to me, its also very romantic and beautiful and overwhelming. so i'm going to share.

a woman in their bible study, whose mother just passed away, shared a prayer request. her father, who is aching horribly for his deceased wife, is refusing to take his medication. the medication he takes is what has been keeping him alive for the past several years. now that the love of his life (and i mean that quite literally) is gone, he has no interest in taking it. she cried and tried to reason with him, begging him to keep going for her sake. but he told her simply, "but my life is already over. it ended a few days ago when your mother died."

now i'm not interested in beginning the whole euthanasia debate via my blog. all i'm saying is, wow. take a minute and let it sink in. that's a lot of love. that's two people who absolutely became one. and in a world where statistically, marriage doesn't even have a 50% chance of survival, a story like that really impacts me.

it reminds me of a song that katie loves:
next door, there's an old man who lived to his nineties
and one day, passed away in his sleep.
and his wife she stayed for a couple of days then passed away . . .

it's a beautiful song. and i'm certainly praying for mrs. love (that's her name . . . ironic, right?) and her family, that God's will might be, they can accept it. i guess the story just really touched my heart and i wanted to share.

reading rainbow

2006-01-15T00:30:00.000-06:00

in the mood to write an enjoyable post . . .

but (and i'm pleased about this, as it means that my love of technology has not surpassed my cravings for art and drama and literature), i'm even more in the mood to go read anna karenina.

i want to spend the rest of break enjoying as many captivating novels as i can. east of eden, you were a joy. night, i'm glad i didn't read you in high school, when i certainly would have missed the big picture. of mice and men, you never fail to make me cry, no matter how much i prepare myself for the end.

so off to go find out (once again) what happens to anna and levin and all the rest. enjoy the rest of your weekend all.

curious george

2006-01-11T18:53:00.000-06:00

my, my, my . . . you are all mighty curious people. i have received messages on my blog, as well as personal emails inquiring about the exact events that took place on monday evening.

and i bet you're all hoping i'm going to tell. and i am, in a way.

to make this more fun, i'm going to give you several possible options about monday's events. only one is true. if you've already spoiled the surprise by asking joel, well, shame on you. think of this as a fun blog version of "balderdash". . . without further ado, here are your choices.

1. i arrived on campus, very tired and very ready to take a quick nap. realizing i couldn't get into my own room (because your ID doesn't work unless you're there for intercession), joel let me sneak onto the ADEL hall and i napped for a few hours in his room until he was done with practice. i obviously feel guilt ridden because of the obvious breaking of dormitory rules. i'm terrified that campus security will go back and find the video feed and i will get expelled.

2. i arrived on campus, very tired, but with enough energy to devise a plan to get into the dorms: i would find someone standing near a door and just ask to borrow their ID. unfortunately, the only people i could find was this very awkward freshman couple (obviously taking intercession as an excuse to be together 24 hours a day) who were in the middle of a heavy make-out session. while i hated to interrupt, i really wanted to get into my room, so i "broke up the party" and took their ID. i'm feeling guilty because that's just weird and who knows what kind of emotional scars i've inflicted on them.

3. i arrived on campus, not at all tired, just anxious for swim practice to be over. because of this, i happened to go through the stop sign that's at the corner of MEP. the gcc security force saw me, threw their lights on, and began to come after me. realizing i might be in danger of security violation, i instinctively drove off campus as fast as possible. amazingly, they didn't chase me (i think i lost them somehow). however, i felt horrible about the deception and made poor joel walk to that middle school to meet me, just in case they were parked all over campus waiting for my return.

4. i arrived on campus, tired and not at all ready for another 2 hour drive. realizing my ID wouldn't work to get into my dorm, joel and i devised a plan so i could sneak into my dorm and then illicit the help of a friend. the plan consisted of engaging the help of a staff member, who lent me her ID, at the risk of being fired. in the end, i spent the night not in my own room, but in a student's room who was not on campus to say no. i feel guilty about both the stolen ID and the borrowed room.

well, there you have it. this reminds me of those adventure stories sean got me hooked on when we were little kids . . . you get to choose a different ending every time. i hope these stories spark your imagination. and also that they make me seem like a rebel.

to grandma's house we go

2006-01-11T00:18:00.000-06:00

sunday night, i did something i should have done long ago.

i visited miss jensue consoli in her pittsburgh residence (read: home).

and it was delightful.

there was time spent watching the steeler's game (where i learned about some sort of line that only shows up on the TV but not on the real field . . . what?), shopping with jen (she bought TWO skirts . . . and picked both out herself . . . as the world as i knew it was crumbling around me), and a viewing of remember the titans with a sort of play-by-play with jen's dad. all around, a delightful experience. but i said that already.

edit: i just wrote a VERY long and involved story about my experience on gcc campus on monday evening. sadly, i am such a goody-two shoes that i feel guilty in even repeating the story on my blog. which is sad in so many ways: 1. you'll miss out on the story 2. i don't need to feel any guilt about the situation because the moral of the whole thing is that gcc can be ridiculous, very unnecessarily.

i so desperately want to be rebellious. at least once. but no matter how i try, my conscience seems to strike with a vengeance. i think it may be time for me to accept that i'm just a good girl at heart and that's all there is to it.

i promise a more exciting post in the future. especially since sean is getting his tonsils out on thursday, which means daddy + daughter time while mom goes to take care of the big brother. perhaps another "monica and her adoration for her dad" story is in your future . . .

not a wednesday . . . but close

2006-01-05T23:22:00.000-06:00

growing up, wednesday was always my favorite day of the week. the other days had their own individual highlights, and of course i wore dresses each and every day, but wednesday was my prettiest day. i would plan for it all week. and finally, 6 days later, it would appear.

wednesday was "date with my daddy" day.

i don't remember what age i was when it all started or how many years it lasted before we had to stop . . . surely school got in the way eventually. but for a small portion of my life, wednesday was the my favorite of all days.

dad would take time out of his busy work schedule to take me to a restaurant, usually this italian place in our neighborhood. i'm not sure what we'd talk about; surely nothing profound (i was perhaps only 5 after all). i'm sure a great many lunches he felt starved for real conversation. on more than one occaision, i'd guess that i performed my famous "stand on a table and dance while singing to the music" routine. people loved it. trust me.

it was at those lunches that i learned how to shoot straws at people - a mistake my mother has never forgiven him for. i remember one particular lunch we ran into some business colleagues of his. he introduced me as his beautiful princess . . . and for maybe the first (and sadly, one of the few) time in my life, i believed it. he made me feel like i was the queen of the world. that i was the most special daughter who had ever been born. that i was worthy of attention and praise.

i know i write a lot about my dad and my brother. i think its because i hear so often from women who feel neglected by the men in their life, and sadly, the havoc that has wreaked on their lives is all too evident. they grow up feeling neglected, unworthy, alone, unwanted, and certainly anything but exquisite or lovely.

there are, of course, things about my childhood that i would change given the option. certainly anyone who witnessed my backstage life during major barbara knows some of the wounds that i feel so deeply they just can't seemed to be erased. but i am eternally grateful for the time and energy that my brother, but especially my dad, has invested into my life.

when date days ended, the time did not. in high school, he was the beloved advisor of the Future Business Leaders of America, which surprisingly enough, i was president of. he would volunteer for field trips as often as any mom. and to this day, when i call home, he is just as anxious to hear about my life as my mom is.

i write about all this because tonight my daddy took me out on a date. its something he makes an effort to do each time i come home. because of work, my breaks are often spent largely with my mother, so he tries to schedule a special time for just the two of us. this was particularly important to him this break, as it always is when i begin dating someone. he uses the date as excuse to hear all about "my new beau" and what he's like and what i like about him and what he does and what he wants out of life . . . but most importantly, how he's treating his most beautiful princess. joel, of course, passed with flying colors. but that's really not the point. it's important for a daughter to know that no matter how old she gets, her daddy still is looking out for her, trying to protect her.

dad, i know you don't read blogs and i'm quite positive you don't even know about mine. but in case you'd ever find it, i want you to know that i love and adore you and the man that you are, particularly the man that you've become. i will always be your little princess.

ps

2006-01-04T21:40:00.000-06:00

my papa is better.

he was released from the hospital this evening and seems to be doing fine.

praise the Lord.

and thanks to you all for your encouragement and prayers. much love.

for the cap'n

2006-01-04T18:21:00.000-06:00

i'm not rachel . . . so i can't talk to you about my wedding.
i'm not katie . . . so i won't be able to share any exciting pics from new years (and let's be honest . . . if i had any, they would be me + my bed + the princess diaries 2 + anything else boring you can think of)
i'm not jensue . . . so no crazy story about a friend getting pregnant (jen, let's talk soon, i want to hear how that all went)
i'm not hans . . . obviously, or i wouldn't be writing this.

so what do i have to offer? yes, you guessed it. its rather obvious.

garrett.

long long long long ago . . . garrett and i made a pact. he would write an outrageously funny post about his role in proof and in return, i would write a post about our friendship. garrett kept his end of the bargain immediately, and months later, i have yet to finish my portion. since the new year should begin with all promises being kept, here it is. my tribute to garrett. enjoy. =)

"When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance." - Anatole Broyard

i called him at his home before he even knew my name. it was the summer before my sophomore year and there had been a crazy mix-up; as a result, i wasn't going to be able to direct a one-act that fall. i was desperate and i did the only thing i could think of: i stalked garrett nichols. i knew who he was (freshman can always recognize a notable upperclassman) and he knew me as the crazy girl who kept calling his house. much to his chagrin, my plan worked.

when we got to school he made all the directors do this crazy "trust fall" followed by some sort of weird kissing trust practice thing. i assumed he was a little mentally unstable, but i certainly wasn't going to say anything. i was just so thankful i was allowed to direct.

from then on, garrett floated in and out of my life. i got to know him more through his infamous proof cameo (which certainly deserved a never received TAP award). then came the moment that would change our friendship forever. mrs. craig gave me the task of serving as garrett's stage manager for museum. i said yes, mostly out of fear, but it turned into a wonderful experience. despite his seniority, he never seemed to have a crazy ego trip. he was very open to my suggestions, and was quick to ask my opinion.

then in the winter we switched roles. he became my SM during brief lives. oh the wonder that was that show. most of the rehearsals involved brendan trying to learn his lines while garrett and i would pass notes back and forth. in those notes i found out that trey was going to ask me to the gala, who garrett liked, and what time we'd be going to dinner. very exciting stuff. but it cemented our friendship. we started hanging out after rehearsals, intervising on the weekends, ya know, the basic gcc stuff.

he filled a very needed void in my life: a big brother. and i love him for that. garrett believes in me and i believe in him. when you're a very insignificant sophomore in a theatre program, its easy to feel unwanted and unnecessary. garrett made me feel important and talented. he was my first real theatre friend outside of the proof cast. he was the only guy friend i had with enough courage to tell me that the boy i was hopelessly in love with was never going to feel the same way about me. at the time, i was infuriated with him. only looking back do i see how instrumental that was in my life.

during his last few weeks at gcc, we shared what is, in my opinion, our most special time of all. garrett conived (oops, convinced . . . well, either one really) me into casting him and phil into two FEMALE roles. it was sheer brilliance. the play was nothing special, but garrett and phil made it hysterically funny and unforgettable. as a director's gift, they took me out on a very special date to the waterfront. that night is probably one of my top 5 favorite memories at gcc. dinner and shopping with two of my favorite boys.

a few months ago, garrett left pittsburgh and headed back to idaho. my hope is that he'll come out to nyc to visit . . . he is holding on to a crazy dream that i'll come see him in idaho (garrett, its never going to happen. sorry). but life is crazy and you never know what direction it will take you. sometimes i really wonder if i'll ever see him again.

you meet a lot of people in your life and very few leave any sort of lasting mark. garrett is part of the minority. without him, my sophomore year would have been dull indeed. and its ironic, because as a freshman, he didn't cast me in his one-act. i love to tease him about that, claiming that he is one of the reasons i didn't want to stay in gcc theatre.

but truly, its the exact opposite. garrett is one of the reasons i knew i should stay. after all, he's the only one who calls me "meryl" and means it.

garrett, be safe in idaho. have fun doing a job you actually care about. know that you are gone, but not forgotten.

late night wake ups

2006-01-03T14:53:00.000-06:00

there's something about college . . .

this afternoon my dad called to share the news that my grandpa had been rushed to the hospital. he was experiencing the same symptoms that my dad had just recovered from a week prior.

so my papa's in the hospital. and i'm sad and frustrated and a little worried and wishing that the ammirati family could just avoid the hospital for at least a month.

but mostly, i really wish i was at school right now. sure, i could call a friend and talk it all out. but its just not the same as being there. i want to be in the suite and walk through the bathroom and sit on the couch and let it all out . . . or just say nothing at all.

i think sometimes we take the whole college atmosphere for granted. we're so lucky to live in dorms and always have friends and fellowship surrounding us. and i wonder how i'm going to live without that in a few months? who will i tell all my secrets to? who can i wake up in the middle of the night to share something that could really wait until morning?

for now, i'm alone in the condo. and that's okay too. and break is wonderful and relaxing and so needed. but i'm starting to really ache for gcc and everyone who goes there.

old lang syne

2006-01-01T04:48:00.000-06:00

if you have a devastatingly exciting new years eve story . . . please, don't share.

i've never a good one. never ever ever. they're always fine. and usually somewhat fun. and maybe they're as good as they're gonna get. perhaps its the cinematic masterpieces like when harry met sally or while you were sleeping that have me thinking that something truly exciting or life changing or even just incredibly romantic should happen to me at least once on new years eve. most of mine have merely involved a few movies, my parents and their friends, and sleep by 12:30. (this year i was asleep by 11.) once i even had the thrill of being broken up with at 12:15. not a good start to the year.

and logically, i can reason with myself that frankly, its just another night. an arbitrary start to the calendar year. i have remarkable evenings all the time; perhaps i should claim those as my "new year celebrations"? but i won't. i'm holding out for something great. something that will be worth telling my grandkids about. i don't know what it is yet, but its gonna be incredible.

and its that time of year. the time when humanity as a whole gets out a pen and paper and makes list after list after list of their own "new years resolutions." most are forgotten by the 2nd, those who keep their goals until the end of january are commended.

but this year is different. at least for me. this year, some goals must be reached if i want to eat actual food/not live in a cardboard box on the street/avoid being killed by my parents for wasting $50,000 in tuition.

so for your enjoyment, here they are. the practical, the whimsical, the genuine. they are all true. maybe this year. just mabye.

monica's resolutions (in no particular order)

get a job
find an apartment
learn to whistle
speak fluent italian
yell "good morning!" to all passengers on a crammed subway car
make homemade cookies
memorize the psalms
realize my self-worth
distribute grace abundantly
find a church
grow my hair longer
cut my hair shorter
blow more bubbles
learn to change a tire . . .
then sell my fabo echo
visit britt in chicago
ride a gondola in italy
learn to eat with chopsticks
research why my papa won a purple heart ( literally no one knows)
find a way to trick my uncle into admitting he's head of the CIA in China
watch annie hall
and dances with wolves
and st. elmo's fire . . . (basically see any&all movie classics i've never seen)
learn to ice skate
have my first real snowball fight
graduate a real grover . . . in every sense of the word
learn to do the thing that we always joke in the room i can't do
make the world a better place
leave an incredibly generous tip for no reason at all

i'll keep adding more as i think of them. feel free to share yours as well. happy new year!

you got to have a dream
if you don't have a dream
how you gonna make a dream come true?
- south pacific -

finding neverland

2005-12-30T17:14:00.000-06:00

here's a varied assortment of the future occupations i've considered during my lifetime:

doctor - that lasted only a week. my mother, in her wisdom, gave me a "picture book" to color that detailed all the bones and intestines and tissues and organs . . . that was enough to turn me off.
flight attendant - don't laugh; its true. i always thought it would be fun to travel the world, while never paying the outrageous airfare.
high school english teacher - in high school, i was so sure i would turn out exactly like our english teacher that it seemed a logical choice. but i dropped that major about 5 seconds after arriving at GCC. sorry miss claypool. i just couldn't cut it.
soccer mom - if you're shocked, don't be. i love soccer and i'm actually a big fan of kids, so it makes a bit of sense. i abandoned this dream sophomore year of college. but whenever i see a minivan with that soccer ball pasted on the back window, i'm reminded of the days when i thought this was all i would ever want.
author - there are two books i've considered writing during my lifetime. the first i began when i was maybe 10 or 11, tentatively titled "lily of the field." it was named both for my favorite flower and the main character, a civil war nurse torn between the southern life she's always known and the yankee soldier she falls hopelessly in love with. the second book, "single for a season," began during college when i started to realize that God may have given me the gift of singleness. it was going to be a study on the advantages of staying single for a specific season in your life. as you may have all guessed, i've never finished either book. but maybe someday . . .
broadway director - i guess this dream is still looming large. i don't know if i could make the cut, but it sure would be fun to try.

what do you want to be when you "grow up"? there's a statistic that claims very few college graduates actually pursue a profession that fits their degree . . . and i think its a true one. we can be anything we want to be. and while we might have all sorts of ideas and fantasies now about what our lives will be like 10 years from now, it's been my experience that no one can imagine what reality will actually paint in the future.

as for me, there are 2 people in the world that know what profession i'd like to have most of all.

God and Mr. Allan Edwards.

And I trust that neither one of them will ever tell. (I know far too many of Allan's deepest secrets for him to ever share. As for God, He's just a trust-worthy guy.) I don't really know why I don't share with more people what it is I'd love to do. I guess because you tell people one dream for so long . . . it seems like it would take quite a bit of work to go and explain something else.

[note: blogging over break is rough. i get a lot of ideas but i'm not around a computer enough to write any of them down. i would give up, but i love katie too much. i know how she looks forward to updates. hope you're having a happy holiday miss r!]

i wonder as i wander

2005-12-21T19:33:00.000-06:00

carolslightsbellsornamentstreesdecorationschildrencryinghonkinghornsthe
santaclausestoriescookieselvesfireplacememoriescrazyshoppersmallsyule
tidelogsmaxedoutcreditstockingschimmneythenightbeofrechristmaswrap
pingpresentsopeningchristmasmorninghamturkeyfruitcakefeasts

STOP. shhhhhhhh. stop. even if just for a minute.

today two people honked at me on my home. i don't know why. well, a possible explanation is my lack of any motor ability. but i tend to think that its the hurried-rushed-i-might-kill-someone-soon attitude that people seem to fall into this time of year. today, as i reflected on christmas and what it means and how incredible it is and what a state of humble thankfulness we should find ourselves in . . . and it made cry for those who are missing it completely.

imagine . . . a man. a man who discovers his soon-to-be wife is pregnant. and its not his child. instead of quietly ending the engagement (and even that is a noble decision at that time), he is told to marry her. so against his better judgment, he marries the girl, yet still he's denied his basic rights as her husband. can you possibly even begin to comprehend the questions in his mind? "God, what is going on here? this woman is with child and she claims it's Your Son; can that be? why me? pick another man. i just wanted a regular life. lots of kids running around in my shop. loving Mary every single moment of every single day. worshipping You in the synagogue. i never imagined You'd live in my house, eat the food I'd provide and well, be my son. and frankly, i'm not sure i'm ready or equipped. so please, if its possible, choose someone else. i'm just not cut out for this."

imagine . . . a woman. well, a gawky teenage girl is more accurate. a young woman with childhood fantasies that consisted of nothing more than a quaint home on a quiet street; a house filled with love and warmth and laughter; a man who would provide for her and her family. instead, she's just been given the news that she will give birth to God Himself. WHAT?! she and joseph only sneaked one kiss! what's he going to think? who will ever believe her story? she'll be an outcast, ridiculed by her friends and rejected from her family. she too has questions for the Almighty. "The angel was great and seemed to speak the truth and all that . . . but You must be joking. the thought of getting married is frightening enough; now You want me to have a baby? Your Son? Joseph is never gonna go for this. I'm not old enough to drive, let along give birth to the Messiah. You should pick someone else. Sarah is great with kids. Or Elizabeth. Or Rebekah. anyone else. i love You and i want to trust You, but this is just plain crazy."

imagine . . . a child. a perfect beautiful healthy tiny baby boy. born in the midst of smelly sheep and even stinkier shepherds. a baby who will cry and nurse and laugh and smile and be everything a child should be. perhaps Jesus couldn't think as a newborn. but if perchancehe could, i think His prayer might go something like this . . . "Dad, I know they're confused. mom looks freaked out. papa looks scared to death. and frankly, the shepherds look lost. but someday they'll understand. give them the courage to understand. to accept Your plan without question. i know it can be confusing, bewildering, and at times, almost unfathomable. but its perfect. You were right. this is the only way to save them. the best way."

a man, a young woman, and a tiny baby. all part of this incredible miracle that we've commercialized and franchised and humanized. somewhere in the midst of presents and parties and carols and cookies, we have to come back to the place where we remember.

it's a gift. it's a miracle. and its far more incredible than anything we'll find under the tree.

merry christmas. and may God bless us, everyone.

tell me on a sunday

2005-12-18T21:24:00.000-06:00

finals week: journeying through the years

freshman winter finals 02: all my finals were held on tuesday and wednesday . . . so on the thursday study day i packed my bags and headed home, under the pretense of "i really need to study and i do it so much better in a home environment." it was a shameless lie. i was homesick and i missed my boyfriend. days later i came back in a total state of panic because i hadn't studied one iota (i just love that word) and i had to take a million finals in a short amount of time. they actually turned out just fine, thanks to dr. brown and dr. schaeffer's benevolence. i've always been bummed that i didn't share in that weekend with the girls on my hall.

freshman spring finals 03: quite the change in emotions. i still have all my finals on tuesday and wednesday (through most of my life, i have been quite cursed by the final gods), but this time i am literally crying because a. lorna is leaving grove city and my world is over as i know it. b. i didn't want to face the decisions that awaited me at home. i don't actually remembering any studying, but i do remember a finals dinner at carini's, my study day with lorna at victors, and an all-night sleepover in hotel 160 with my girls.

sophomore winter finals 03: i can't remember a single thing. i guess they went fine . . . ?

sophomore spring finals 04: hmm . . . is all of sophomore year a much too distant memory? neither abby nor myself can recollect a single thing. ooh - but i do remember study day and my "cast party" in pittsburgh with phil and garrett. dinner at pf chang's and an evening of enthusiastic shopping with phil while garrett wandered along . . .

junior winter finals 04: i was done on saturday afternoon! that was the best finals schedule of life. i was in two performance classes, so i hardly had to study at all. sheer bliss. then i made the trek home on saturday night to surprise my mom and dad. lovely memories.

junior spring finals 05: i had to move all my finals back so i could leave the college 4 days early and head straight to the Big Apple. i was terrified most of this week, which actually spurred me on to the best studying of my life. it was during this time that i also discovered the joys of studying in the shower. (not with the water running. just sitting there. studying. trust me on this one). i remember my last night at gcc that year. there was the flying dutchmen concert, saying goodbye to britt and katie, and frantically tossing everything i owned into my much too tiny toyota echo.

and finally, here we are. senior winter finals 05. looking back, i have to tell you that i can't remember a single test question. for that matter, i don't really even know what grade i received on most of these exams. i do remember the crazy moments in the SAC, the sad goodbyes, and the late night "study sessions." now i know we should study and do well and all that. but at the same time, let's not forget to enjoy these days. and with that, i'm headed to ketler for some late night poker with the boys. good luck everyone!

my grown-up christmas list

2005-12-14T15:50:00.000-06:00

on monday, december 12, 2005, i realized (at least partly) what it means to be a grown-up.

my mom called at 8 AM, leaving a message that told me not to panic, but that my dad had been rushed to the emergency room at Akron General. i instantly called sean, and we decided that i should drive home immediately to be with my dad, and sean would drive up later that evening.

that drive home was the longest of my life. i spent a lot of time praying . . . crying . . . singing . . . and i thought a lot about my dad. he's the strongest man i've ever met. my dad has given me what the world likes to call "unrealistic expectations" of what a man in my life will do. he takes me on dates. he opens my car door. he writes me various emails of encouragment. but more impressive than what he does for me, the love he has for my mother is absolutely overwhelming. they got married at the ripe age of 19&20, and he loves her more today than he did 27 years ago. he showers her with affection and time and support and care.

arriving at the hospital and seeing my daddy, the source of absolute strengthfor our family, lying weakly in a bed with tubes coming out of his arms and chest . . . well, it made quite an impression on me. in an instant, i realized that this was the start of a new chapter in our life as a family. sean and i would begin to take care of our parents, instead of the other way around. we would begin providing for them and spoiling them and making their lives more beautiful and supported.

with the help of medication and IV's, my dad's heart rate has been stabilized. hopefully, in a few more days we will have an answer to this problem. Praise the Lord. but the impact of the last 72 hours will never leave me.

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."

another never

2005-12-09T10:08:00.000-06:00

i can't believe i forgot the most shocking "never" of them all . . .

i'm going to the condo this weekend.
with the ADELs.

and i am of course excited to be spending time with allan and beth and neil and an assortment of other people i don't really know at all . . .

but "shy monica" (see earlier post) is going insanse from nervousness. is it appropriate to insert crazy finger spasms here? of course it is. it's my blog.

alkjwouejnkjhiayiyuiannkvbhjadfuirawris

moral of these posts: never say never.

never and always

2005-12-08T15:16:00.000-06:00

this post is dedicated to one thing i always knew would happen and something i never thought possible.

i lost my ID yesterday. and its gone. i don't know where or how or why . . . but its not coming back. aside from the atrocity of paying $20 to replace it (wasn't $50,000 in tuition enough?), i'm really not that upset. because i've always known this would happen. frankly, i'm shocked that its taken this long. i've dragged that ID to at least a dozen states and all over NYC, in addition to the daily commute it takes in my pocket/purse/anywhere i can think to put it. and i'm notorious for misplacing important items. so its not a surprise to me that it's gone. ID, i'll miss you. i wish you didn't cost $20. but i'm proud of how long we kept this relationship alive.

now that the inevitable's happened, i'm curious when all the other "i always knew that would happen to me at grove city" moments will occur. pretty soon . . .
- i'll drop an entire tray of food in the cafeteria
- i'll fall down on the sidewalk after chapel in front of a thousand strangers
- without thinking, i'll say something horribly inappropriate to a group of important alumni
- i'll find the courage to do something rebellious . . . and get caught

and here's the "never ever ever thought i would be writing this" section:

my brother is in love. and on vacation.

to be honest, i'm more shocked at the latter statement. early this fall, sean met the girl of his dreams, the lovely miss jen pitkering. she is sweet and beautiful and spunky and supportive and so many things that sean needs. and it has been one of my greatest joys (and if i'm honest, most challening journeys) to see him finally have another woman come first in his life. i'm not sean's first priority anymore. and if my instincts are correct, i'll never be coming first again.

and that's really okay. i love her and more importantly, i love sean and want him to experience the companionship and wonder and beauty that comes from a godly marriage. i just never really thought it would happen. and i never thought it would happen to him before it happened to me.

last summer, my parents offered sean and i a dream european vacation. we would leave during spring break of this year and spend the 10 days in italy and spain. i said YES. sean said he would be able to take off work on a saturday and sunday and maybe easter monday. needless to say, my parents didn't think the trip would be worth it if we could only go for 3 days.

but he's in florida now with jen. and if that's not love, i don't know what is.

it's difficult for us last-borns to deal with our siblings getting things earlier than we do. its hard for a sister to realize a brother is getting older and moving on. its heartbreaking for monica to accept that she's losing one of her best friends.

to miss r

2005-12-07T00:14:00.000-06:00

if you don't know katie, the following excerpt from an email she sent should be enough of a reason to start a friendship:

check out this sweet example I came up with today. it's "sweet" because kids love poop jokes...it really gets their attention.

I was teaching them what a malapropism is (it's when you use the incorrect word that sounds similar to the word you want to use). here's my example:

"let's say, I wanted to say, 'today, i want to decorate around my room,' but instead i said, 'today, i want to defacate around my room.'"

i love her. i love her craziness. i love how we are sisters.

life is simply delightful. maybe its just the Christmas season making me so gosh darn giggly. maybe its the carols and the lights and the snow. maybe its christmas break being within reach. maybe its having so many great conversations with good friends. maybe its the feeling of knowing i am blessed beyong measure. or maybe its what i think it really is.

regardless, if you're feeling blue, come find me. i have enough exuberance lately for an army.

two roads diverged . . .

2005-12-06T00:00:00.000-06:00

i wish i knew how to post a physical gesture, because what i'm about to explain is done so much better when you can see how passionate and worked up i get about the subject. and the whole reason i get so worked up is because i know how long i've struggled with this subject. and maybe no one else reading this does . . . that may be very likely since i think i can count my readership on one hand. (hi katie!) so my apologies if you get nothing out of this or if this is old news to you or if you think the whole thing is ridiculous. allan and i were thrilled by our ability to put this concept into words.

to boys: we think every single thing you do is either an action to hurt or an action to help. we assume there is deliberate intention in every single choice you make, even as small as saying hi to us in the hallway or standing near us in the drink line. we then analyze the choices you've made and place them in either category.

to girls: we assume that there are only these two options. WE ARE WRONG!!! the phrase, boys will be boys, is an accurate one. they are simply living their lives. they said hi because they remembered to say hi. they happened to walk in the cafeteria they same time we did because they wanted to eat. sure, they are times when they do choose (very purposely) to either help or hurt. but these actions will be obvious and irrefutable!

what i'm saying is that to reach a compromise, boys need to realize that we do this. it may be weird and totally unexplainable to you, but we're just analytical creatures. on behalf of women, i apologize.

girls, let's stop running back to our rooms to discuss the small details of every male encounter. it will be good for us and respectful to them. we assume each step they take is a diverging step in this wood, when really, they're walking straight through it. and if they would decide to help or hurt, but particularly help, then we'll know it. and then, go ahead and giggle all you want. =)

two posts in one hour. whew. i'm all blogged out . . .

lucky for you, tonight i'm just me

2005-12-05T23:38:00.000-06:00

has anyone ever heard the song, "lucky for you" by sheDaisy? its a spoof on the "multiple personalities" that men often claim women bring to relationships.

tonight, allan and i "officially verified" the truth of that statement. in fact, we took it a step further and added that people do this, not just in relationships, but life in general. and for those of you who have already dismissed this theory on the basis, "maybe you monica. i'm totally secure in who i am and bring the same persona to each and every situation," hear me out a little.

there are several monica's you may have met. maybe you know one, maybe you've had the crazy experience of meeting/knowing multiple monicas, but i assure you, they do exist.

here's a small sampling:
professional career driven monica
passionate director monica
late at night giggly monica
very nervous/awkward/insecure around any member of the male species monica
trying to be confident, yet still nervous monica
committed to loving all women monica
good listener monica
outgoing/excited/talking far too quickly monica
dance party in room when no one else in there monica
introverted monica
trying hard to impress/being witty monica

the list goes on and on. and frankly, i'm not sure this idea is entirely wrong or bad. there are certainly situations in life that call for different aspects of yourself to be brought forward while others are pushed to the back. it wouldn't be wise to have the same behavior at a sleepover as i do in an interview.

[note: this is allan's brilliant part of the theory] i guess the dilemna comes into play when you are using different ethics in each situation. when you have such an incredibly diverse group of personas, that you are actually a different person. if i would lie to get a job, but would be appalled at lying to my friends, then there's a conflict. if i would curse like a sailor around my best friends, but certainly never when i'm being "impressive" monica, then there's an issue.

still, despite all that, part of my envies those who seem to be "exactly who they are" in each and every circumstance. this may make the world call them crazy or even reckless, but i find it bold and daring. and if anyone reading this happens to be that person, then i say, good for you! i admire you and your genuine sense of self.

i may have to write a completely separate blog entry right now about the other theory allan and i perfected tonight. we'll see how inspired i am.

a post in numbers

2005-11-29T12:35:00.000-06:00

its been just 2 days since we've been back at the grove. here's a brief recap:

times i've studied in south rec: 2
times logged into facebook: 93
run around the track: 2
meals eaten in cafeteria: 1
rehearsals: 4
moments i've hit myself for being overcommitted: 14
dresses i've bought for orchesis: 1
moments i've thought about how much i love my orchesis attire: 29437237
cups of tea: 2
classes attended: 1
drenching downpours: 1
movies watched: 1
viewing of conan with kayla: 1
pizzas consumed: 1
episodes of friends viewed: 4
naps: 0 (i need to get on that)
near calls to rachel for an emergency dose of no-doze: 14
late nights: 2
jokes told to troy: 4,o48

amount of times i've marvelled at how incredible my senior year has been and how i am so lucky and blessed to be here: too many to count

katie and chelsea come this weekend. enough said.

to papa

2005-11-22T12:30:00.000-06:00

when my dad was 16 years old, his father announced that their family would be spending the next year in italy. my grandpa, a beloved chemistry professory, had been offered a job at an english speaking school in naples and decided the time overseas would be a grounding experience for his 8 children. yes, 8 children. he thought perhaps they were becoming too spoiled, unaware of those less fortunate then themselves. looking back on this, my dad always smiles. "less fortunate then us? in the private boarding school your papa taught at, we had perhaps 10% of the income of most families and three times as many mouths to feed."

my dad was so appalled at the idea of spending time abroad that he begged my grandma, who has always been devoted to her oldest son, to let him stay home in the US. my grandpa heard his request and had one answer, no.

so my father went. and he looks back on that year in italy as the most remarkable of his childhood. he spent the year traveling to little villas in naples and florence and venice and rome. he went backpacking across the mountains of europe. being the oldest child, he was the privileged one allowed to stay up late into the night with his parents and (gasp!) drink wine with them. they would sit and talk and he learned about the story of their courtship and my grandpa's tales of adventures in the army and my grandma's rebellious childhood in new york city (yes, i got it from her). he loved those days.

a few months ago, my grandpa died. he had spent the last 25 years of his life (half of his marriage to my grandmother) battling parkinsense. the disease crippled his body and eventually took his mind as well. i cried a lot when he passed away, maybe because it was my first real experience with death, maybe because i'm emotional, or maybe because i always knew i was my grandpa's favorite.

but more than anything, i think it's because i know that my father is the man he is today because of his father. when my dad spoke at the burial, he talked a lot about their time in italy. how great a man my grandpa was to allow his children that opportunity. and my dad cried, something i think i've only seen maybe once before in my life.

because of the toll the disease took on his body, he had to be cremated. so we buried a small wooden box of ashes. and in the ground with that box is one memento: a picture of my grandpa and his wife and children, taken in rome. everyone is smiling and laughing and beautiful. and i know my papa would love that. if i see him in heaven, i must remember to tell him.

some other beginning's end

2005-11-13T17:30:00.000-06:00

yesterday, november 12, 2005, marked my final theatrical performance . . . most likely for life.

and i feel good.

this week has been a constant roller coaster of emotions . . . overjoyed because the audience seemed to understand the show . . . disappointed that my mom couldn't fulfill my life long dream of telling me i did a great job in a production . . . a sense of loss over the end of performing . . . an even larger sense of loss for those who are graduating, esp. in december . . .

these memories have been relived again and again by rachel, trey and i . . . but heck, i'll put them down here in my blog as well. three years ago, there was huge cast in mrs. craig's west side story. there were a few freshman, rachel, trey, and i included. rachel and trey perhaps met once; they had no idea that i was even in it. heck, no one really knew i was in it. i hid in the corner most of the time and tried to go unnoticed. i cried a lot during that show, mostly over what i felt was the loss of theatre in my life. i didn't sense that i would ever belong here. i certainly didn't imagine i would ever get cast as anything significant here. i felt small and silly and scared.

and then during the final dress rehearsal, something happened that i feel like changed the course of my life. mrs. craig noticed me. she just noticed me. she had watched me during the only scene i was onstage . . . and she liked what she saw, liked it enough to mention it in front of the entire cast. if you know mrs. craig, you know she doesn't give compliments, so it felt huge to me to be singled out in a cast of 60+. and at that moment, the thought flashed in my head that maybe i could actually do something here, maybe theatre could be huge for me here. of course, i quickly dismissed it. but almost a year later, she would give me a role that would change my theatre life forever. and as a result, my whole life changed.

theatre enabled me, both in high school and college, to change from a shy, awkward, nervous, insecure girl into a confident woman. and i think that's where my emotional attachment to it comes from. it's always been a catalyst of change for me.

so thank you mrs. craig. thanks to the entire cast of major barbara. it was an honor to step onstage with you each night.

coming soon: the story of brittany surprising me to come visit. aka, best moment of life.

blah blah blah

2005-11-03T23:38:00.000-06:00

today i . . .

- went on a date with my beautiful roommate. i took her out to compadres and we sat and talked and caught up on the past few weeks of our lives. we never see each other anymore which is devastating to me. it was simply delightful just to spend time with her. i heart you in a big way miss abby.

- headed to the outlets to return birthday presents. mom, you did an oustanding job this year. truly, you did. but its so much fun to return things!!!! its one of my favorite pastimes. i started out with velvet blazer and a pair of black pants. i left with: 3 sweaters, 1 hoodie, 2 purses,1 belt, and polka dot panty-hose. aldfja;lkjfa;lfjsdkfjas. i love them all.

- broke down in a fit of tears at rehearsal. i have reached panic mode. abby gently reminded me tonight that i always do this. that i always worry the play will never come together. that i will somehow fail in an enormous way onstage. but this is different. really, this time it is. i don't think i've ever felt so alone in onstage as i did tonight. not for a lack of sympathetic spirits, but a feeling of abandonment. i thought i had found barbara, and tonight i fear i lost her.

- decided every day of the year should feel as lovely and fallish this one did. crisp. sunny. a touch of wind. perfect coat weather. it made me think of this song i heard once . . . "the wind blew the leaves off her face and then i saw you . . ." sound familiar to anyone? =)

- perhaps failed my first test of my college career. and i truly feel absolutely no emotion. environmental science, i just can't get worked up over you.

- met with dr. smith in his office. *sigh*

- watched as hans surprised rachel (with absolutely perfect timing - well done hans) after rehearsal. i then went into my second fit of tears as i realized that no man was coming to comfort me. my feeling of total aloneness was suddenly heightened to a whole new level. i am alone. and its okay. but tonight, watching rachel totally transform from weary to relieved in the mere blink of an eye (or more the first second of their embrace), made me feel desperately lonely and lost. tonight, i really am.

what a busy day. but katie comes tomorrow and all will be right in the world.

still, its a week

2005-11-01T22:56:00.000-06:00

the play is in 9 days. well, more like 8 days by the time i finish writing this.

how do these shows ever come together? my friends have been reminding that i am typically frustrated as productions reach their climax; worrying that it won't come off in the end. and i recognize that as truth . . . but still.

major barbara is a HARD PLAY. i've read it a bazillion times. and done a dozen critical character studies. and i'm still catching on to some of shaw's brilliant nuances. he's a genius; a genius who is mighty difficult to understand.

we will push through. and things will probably turn out fine. still, 9, er, 8 days . . .

she's got a way

2005-10-31T22:28:00.000-06:00

birthdays are fantastic. here are a few reasons why:
1. parties. i've had two for my 21st. one was on saturday and it was delightful and perfect and everything i wanted. my friends had to work so hard to even make it happen (thanks to victor lee, old map, south rec, and commuter lounge for failing to come through for us. we've officially begun a boycott victor. and that's says an awful lot for me). it was in the SAC. there was no alcohol. (with the exception of the empty box with some sort of alcoholic picture on the front. thanks andy.) abbie and megan and kayla got me a "sex in the grove city survival kit" and it was full of DELIGHTS, particularly a handmade journal that makes me cry every time i open it. becky and jen and abs got me a cake (in addition to living with me for the week prior to my birthday; no easy feat considering my intense pre-birthday depression that lasted for days) - the cake was so needed and so wonderful. they also adopted me. cheers for that. lots of friends were there and we hung out and played games and ate pizza. wonderful juvenile fun. i love it.

over fall break i had a party in NYC. the momentous moment consisting of monica's first drink of life. good times were had by all (thanks to chels, jz, pat, trey, sean, jen, kelly, b, and pat's random friend for attending) and especially by me.

two parties = one girl feeling so special and loved. my friends consistently amaze me with their patience and love.

2. candy. i don't even like candy that much, but it feels special that lots of candy is given away for my birthday. i used to believe - and this is the sincere truth - that halloween was celebrated for me. i would expect all the students in my class to give a big THANK YOU to me for being born on this day. needless to say, it never came and the delusion ended quickly.

3. cake. my mom finally made me one. so that, in addition to the cake that i was shocked to be presented with at rehearsal tonight (mrs. craig, you forget a lot of things so i'm always shocked when you remember my day. i was so happy that you did) + cake at my first bday party + cake from the girls . . . 4 CAKES!!! i love it! i only wish katie was here to eat all the icing.

4. lots and lots of birthday mail. i think because i had the good sense to be born on a holiday (and i do take credit. i waited in the womb an extra 2 weeks before i made my early morning arrival. had i decided to stay in just one more day, there were coming in after me. excellent timing if i do say so myself) that people can remember my birthday. this may be just something i think in my head beacuse i'm so horrible at remembering birthdays for everyone else so i assume there must be a reason people can remember mine. regardless, thanks to the millions of friends and family who sent cards. i love you all.

5. random serenading. i think this should be a more frequent part of life, but alas, people seem to wait for birthdays to burst out into song. i was awoken this AM by my roommate dancing around in her bathrobe to the smash hit "happy birthday to you" by new kids on the block. one of my favorite moments of life, by far.

i'm sure there are a million more reasons i could list, but i'm exhausted. all this birthday fun wore me out. thanks a gazillion to all my friends for making it so special. i'm a lucky girl.

putting it all in perspective

2005-10-27T13:56:00.000-05:00

12:45 PM - I hang up the phone with my mother and immediately have two thoughts:
1. i need to be adopted
2. i want to write a long, complaining post about the unfairness of life and why is that nothing i do will ever ever ever ever be good enough

1 PM - Before I can sit down to write that post, I head to lunch with Abbie. She tells me a story about something happening with her friend's family. Something horrible and dreadful and unbearably sad. And I sit at the end of the table in MAP and feel horribly selfish and self-centered. My daily "traumatic" conversations with my family are nothing in comparison to what most of the world endures.

1:30 PM - I walk outside and remember why I always thought I should transfer to a school in Florida.

What's the moral of this brief synopsis of the last few hours of my life: It's never as bad as we think it is or we make it out to be. Yes, my mom tends to be very hard on me in the most absurd ways. No performance, no event, no wardrobe, no life will ever be enough to convince her that I'm good enough. But at the end of the day, I have absolutely zippo to be complaining about or for that matter, even mention.

Thousands upon thousands of children are dying in foreign countries every day. Dying from hunger and neglect and need. I think its a safe guess that 100% of those kids would rather move into my home than die from the utter unfairness of their lot in life.

This was not a positive post and I wanted it to be one, I promise! I guess the message is be grateful. Be thankful. Be positive. And I'll try my very best to be as well. "And the world will be a better place . . . "

Alright, I'm done. =)

what's next, ketchup?

2005-10-25T19:39:00.000-05:00

i'm supposed to list 5 random facts about myself. there is no one left to "tag" so i won't bother with the rules. (caution: i'm basically an open book . . . really, i'm more like a book that's open and reading itself outloud to anyone who will happen to listen . . . so i'm not sure what random delights i can expound on that no one will know. but i'll give it a try)

1. i am petrified of store mannequins. and humans dressed in full costume, ala the disney world characters that wander around. people are people. statues are statues. let's not keep messing with this in between world.
2. i'm only 25% italian. i'm 50% irish. but i'm so incredibly proud and excited about my pasta-eating background that i hesitate to ever mention the potatoe starved ancestors i am mostly descended from. don't tell.
3. the two events in my life that will absolutely never fail to make me cry: birthdays and opening nights. these two seemingly joyous celebrations will leave me sobbing at some point. few things actually depress me more. no idea why.
4. i am horribly shy. nothing frightens me like talking to new people or going to functions where i am afriad i won't know anyone. but few people recognize this in me because i've learned to cleverly disguise my fear with an extrovert persona that people assume is my true personality. it's not.
5. i am NO LONGER AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!!! i slept in kelly's loft bed during my NYC visit. and i discovered that i've been lying to myself all these years. i'm not afraid of heights, or at least high beds. so abby and i bunked our beds and i have the top one. this is huge for me and i'm beginning to question all my other phobias: do i love ketchup? could i sleep without the light on? do i crave small, cramped spaces?

i have so much to do tonight, so i'll close by saying that new york was wonderful. it was good to be home. i had a fantastic pre-birthday celebration. i got to see old friends. i visited roundabout. i shopped. a lot.

but sadly, i don't think i'll be back in the city till the spring. sigh. but then we have a lifetime to discover and grow in our love. new york, i know you'll always wait for me.

frankie, sing that song

2005-10-18T00:52:00.000-05:00

aching for new york and at the same time, not really wanting to go. how can that be?

i must believe that new york in the fall is the most beautiful place on earth. it has so much life and energy and movement all by itself . . . the crisp fall air must just add to the joy that is my city. i think the first thing i will do when i arrive wednesday morning (after the obligatory dropping the suitcase off, etc.) is take the 1 train to 79th St. and walk east towards riverside dr. and i'll go the park and sit by my favorite spot on the river. and i want to say nothing will have changed, except of course the temperature (now i'll get to enjoy the waterside view with a warm sweater and hot cup of chai) . . . but i guess i find myself altered as well. not in huge dramatic ways that people ever take the time or have the ability to notice. but these first few months at school have made me feel out of sorts, very displaced, so unsettled.

have you ever seen sabrina? i always reflect on the moment where she tells him (the character name is escaping me) that she found herself in paris . . . and as a little girl i treasured the fantasy that i would do the same thing in some little unknown town in italy. but i didn't; which is most likely because i was in 7th grade when i was in italy, and what is there to even find in yourself in 7th grade? but i did discover so much of who i am, especially in my Chrisitianity, in the moments i spent in new york, particularly riverside park. God spoke to me there, ever so clearly. i felt Him in that place, standing with me near the water. reminding me that in a city of millions, He knew my name.

new york, i'm coming home in 2 days. i know when i see you, my heart will feel at peace again. just keep waiting.

who needs a jukebox?

2005-10-16T16:46:00.000-05:00

this weekend was delightful. highlights include . . .

emceeing the first (and dear God, let it be the last), "Mr. Engineering" pageant. try to imagine miss congeniality with engineering contestants, who all joking aside, for the most part look petrified to be walking on a stage, let alone belting whitney houston pop-ballads (it really happened). VV and i emceed and the audience . . . hated us. truly. at the end i finally said, "I know you all praising God that you can leave in a few minutes so you don't have to listen to us talk anymore." it was the first time the audience responded all night. i don't know if it was the combination of bad jokes + absurdity of contest + total disorganization by the girls running it . . . whatever the case may be, it was terrible. and of course, because it was soo bad, VV and i had so much fun. i think its always a wonderful humbling experience to do things that don't turn out well. it reminds you of your humanity.

then i spent time with the simply fabulous nike baker + katy mcnulty. CLASSY GIRLS. we went on a progressive date; rather, i did. they followed along and had a cup of coffee. nike was excited to see that i could eat a proportional amount to the esteemed miss kokan. its one of the dozens of oddities surrounding senior year (see previous post for more) - you meet incredible people and realize that you have such a short time left to really develop a lasting relationship.

today mr. garrett nichols came to spend the day with me. that was also bittersweet, as for those of you who don't know, garrett will be moving back to idaho in a few weeks. who knows when our paths will cross again. our time was spent in a nostaglic sort of way . . . so many memories to discuss. garrett was here for such a brief portion of my time here at gcc, but he's such a dear part of it. i don't want to write too much about him now, because if he is good on his promise, a whole post will be devoted to him soon. but for now, i'll include a few moments from the afternoon.

Garrett: Monica, you're like Meryl Streep. Still a legend, but nobody cares.

Garrett: Oh yeah, I was totally wondering if the girl with the epilectic seizures could be mine. Oh goody! I could be the one to put the wooden spoon in her mouth.
Monica: (gives him a quizzical look)
Garrett: It's so they don't bit their tongue.

Then we made our own jukebox melodies, as the one in Pizza Hut was broken. I'm sure everyone there appreciateed our renditions classics by Journey, Aermosmith, Ricky Martin, Def Leopard, Whitney Houston, etc. (garrett - i was not thinking about this until now, but that was so a "lost" moment. i love it.)

all in all, a great weekend.

billy . . . joel

2005-10-15T17:21:00.000-05:00

it seems as though a tour group filled with dozens of perspective students comes to visit PEW almost nightly these days. tis' the season i guess. the season where every senior in high school (much earlier if you had my parents) is asked to make "the biggest and most important choice of their lives."

seeing the tours roam through PEW always always always takes me back to my first and only gcc tour experience. my brother, being the over-acheiver that he is, decided that a typical tour that the admissions office would arrange for me wouldn't be sufficient to make me desperate to attend grove. granted, he had a hard battle to fight: i was mere days away from sending my acceptance letter back to wheaton with a big YES! from me. i was so close packing my bags and heading to the windy city, and the rest would've been history.

but i had promised sean one last look at gcc before i made up my mind. so called in the troops (aka, derek bradley, who had taken over as SGA president after sean) and had him arrange a private, back-stage tour of the theatre, complete with a sit-in on the current production (What Fools These Mortals Be) in rehearsal. i remember ever so clearly the moment when i entered PEW for the first time. i opened up those big heavy, locked more often than not, wooden doors and looked onto the most massive stage space i'd ever seen in my young life. dr. dixon was sitting in the darkened auditorium, nodding his head at the actors in what i assumed at the time was some sort of unusual head gesture problem, though i've certainly come to learn that its just how he is. on stage there were two actors. though the identify of one is still unknown to me, the other was the none other than mr. michael barakat. i can still remember my first thought being, "if all the guys in the drama program here look like that, i will most certainly come here."

and so i did. and i guess when tours peek in the doors of PEW, that thought always crosses my mind. (and by "thought" i do not mean lustful ideas about mike. katie, i had to put that in for you, as i knew you would ask.) i wonder if they'll come to the grove. and if they come, what'll they do and who they'll be and how they will impact the campus. college is such a cycle, an ebb and flow. we all contribute our little piece to the tiny puzzle that is grove city college. its always a bittersweet feeling to know that the puzzle will still be complete, even when you leave it behind.

PS - last night we watched "requiem for a cabin" at pat's apartment. it was hysterical and delightful and a wonderful time . . . but all the while i absolutely ached for katie and chelsea.

post, you kind of wrote yourself

2005-10-14T01:19:00.000-05:00

i'm not sure how i feel about being a senior.

this summer, as i was finishing my very last week in the Big Apple, i remember going to my favorite little spot in Riverside Park, right by the dock where you can see clear across to Jersey and feeling like i would be absolutely okay if i never went back to the grove. even when i arrived on campus, i felt distant and alienated, not because of any emotion that people were emitting towards me, but this internal conflict of desperately wanting to be in a different place, both literally and figuratively.

but then the semester started in full swing . . . and with homecoming and fall one-acts and OB already completely behind me, i am beginning to feel a bit more torn about the whole "growing up" timeline.
1. graduate from college
2. find a job that can sustain in a city where the cost of living is 94% higher than the national average
3. plant myself in the right church
4. make even more new friends
5. get married (which will most likely be the result of another attempt on e-harmony. dear goodness, my life is so sad and pathetic. maybe this time they won't kick me off for innapropriate behavior).

i want to graduate and get a job and find a church and get married (preferably not through e-harmony, but beggars can't be choosers) . . . but i don't feel ready for all of those life steps. and maybe when i am actually in the moment i'll find the whole thing less intimidating. goodness knows, i was ready to join the work force years ago. but i look around at all these engaged couples at gcc and i wonder how they are ready for something like that? its truly not me questioning their maturity, but rather, my own.

this isn't the direction i intended this post to turn . . . i was going to write about the whole issue of "belonging" again, because i have had so many fascinating conversations with people about it lately. but its late and my the post kind of wrote itself. i'd scrap it (haha, i've never used that phrase before this show), but i haven't posted in a few days and i'm feeling lazy.

better one next time, i promise.

salute to proof

2005-10-11T01:04:00.000-05:00

caution: i would venture that only approximately 10 people (at most) will enjoy reading this post. and out of those 10, i'm lucky if 2 people actually read my blog. (katie you are my definite) but its been in my mind so often lately (with the movie coming out and all) and i just can't keep it bottled inside and not on my blog.

I loved proof. i loved every single thing about it. i loved the show before i was in it or even knew gcc was doing it. i loved it even more when it was finished. i look back on it as the second best "thing" that's ever happened to me at college. (i specify "thing" because nothing can replace any person i met in college or the way i grew spiritually and all that. i am merely referring to an event.)

for me, my positive college experience really started during that show. it gave me confidence in who i was and what i could do. i loved each person connected to that show, cast and directors and crew and all that. i felt encouraged by each one of them. to me, it was what good theatre is about: a group of people who work together in such unity to achieve something that is so much greater than any individual contribution.

i love the story of proof. i love that it reflects so much of my spiritual walk. always asking, always questioning, always hesitating . . . then learning to have faith in the answers or the silences He gives me.

i know that it was a crazy show choice for mrs. craig, with only 4 cast members and all. i know some people didn't really prefer it, for that reason or others. but i can honestly say that if that show hadn't happened to me, i don't know that i would have stayed at grove city. it was that much of a turning point in my life. i needed it that desperately.

so thank you proof. thank you jojoba. thank you EXPRESS and my mother (for the fabulous outfits). thank you katie and mike and chris. thank you kellie and phil and lindsay and everyone else who was part of it. on saturday night's final show, with 8 performances behind us, i remember taking my bow and thinking, "this will never happen again. being part of something this incredible will only happen once."

and i was right.

sean

2005-10-10T20:37:00.000-05:00

at approximately 8 PM tonight, my brother will finish his always exhausting work day, which probably began around sunrise this morning. he will pick up his girlfriend (whom i adore) and drive an hour from downtown pittsburgh to "downtown" grove city. he will pick me up at PEW and we will get to spend about an hour together. at 11 PM, he will drive jen home and then be up and at 'em just a few short hours later. there's no real purpose in this visit. just that yesterday at church he noticed that i was a little down about some things and he wants to make sure i'm okay. and he's willing to take 4 hours out of his crazy life to make sure i am.

that's the kind of brother i have. when i was in high school and suffering from the "no boys like me and no one in their right mind would ever date me" syndrome, sean would drive the 2 hours home from gcc to take me on dates. and not just pathetic, let's go grab some drive through kind of outings. full out dinner and whatever chick flick i wanted to see kind of dates. this summer, he let me move in with him (at no cost - yeah for free rent!) so i could escape the craziness of my UWS apartment. he introduced me to all his friends (who happen to be an assorted collection of male models . . . Christian male models. God is good.) and took me to church and took me out to eat . . . He'd call at 10 PM, telling me to get in a cab and go the nearest movie theatre, where he would be waiting with tickets to a movie i had mentioned wanting to see.

he stands up for me. he challenges me. and he's fiercely protective of me. in sean's eyes, no one will ever be worthy of his precious sister. and he's never hesitated to remind boyfriends or even mere prom dates of that fact. and sometimes (often actually) i worry that he's right. that no one will be good enough because i've already had it so good. my expectations are incredibly high because i've already experienced what its like for a man to really take care of me and protect me and nurture me and love me and pray with me and pray for me and pamper me . . . the list goes on and on. Most (okay, all) guys I've dated are fearful of this incredibly lofty picture I have in my mind of what a guy should be like.

"I really like you Monica, but you just expect so much."
"You're great, you really are, but I just don't think I can be the guy that your brother is."
"You want me to treat you like Sean does, and I just can't."

The other day I told Sean that I will immediately know who to marry when i meet him - he will be the man that isn't afraid of these high expectations; he will be the man who wants to surpass who my brother is for me.

NOTE: I realize that now two consecutive posts mention what I want in a guy. It's not a mating season, nor am I particularly anxious to date at the moment. I think its that you spend a lot of your senior year figuring out what you ideally want out of life. You plan and dream and imagine and picture what your life would look like if you had any say in it. And part of that, in my opinion anyways, is really figuring out what you would need in a mate.

chivalry isn't dead . . . snaggle isn't either

2005-10-09T18:10:00.000-05:00

yesterday felt so momentous that i really wanted to have the energy to post at 2:45 when we finally got home from eat n' park. but i didn't have it. and now that i'm sitting down to post (and once again avoiding any sort of memorizing for major barbara - i am in big trouble), i'm not sure that any event will seem all that eventful. things always seem so much more important in the middle of the night.

one acts closed last night. i don't think anyone is really mourning their loss. as a surprise, garrett and diana and kat and i'm sure other people were all there. that made me happy. afterwards, diana and i foolishly decided to watch batman begins. we love the movie, but we had so much to catch up on. (and i really really really do love that movie. such a great message; it isn't what you say or abstain from that defines you, its what you choose to do). afterwards, me + diana + lots of music majors went to e n' p. two important things happened there. 1. i met the dan guy that i've heard so much about and apparently met twice before. everyone talks so much about him and i was sad that he and i weren't friends. its always lovely to meet someone who people speak so highly of and realize that everything they say is more than true. 2. snaggle was there! (for those who don't know, snaggle is the literally one-toothed wonder who often graces e n' p with his presence late at night. he is an unshaven, unwashed, greasy haired, cowboy hat, perverted kind of guy . . . in other words, a true delight). snaggle loved the leopard print tank top my dad had just gotten me as special treat for one-acts. he loved it so much that he was kind of making a small ruckus about it and it was kind of getting uncomfortable. kayla came to try and protect me, but that only gave snaggle two girls to harass. then suddenly, out of nowhere, my new friend dan appears and stands by kayla and i until we finally end the conversation. girls may go on and on about independence and strength and liberation and blah blah blah, but we really just love it when we feel protected. and it doesn't need to be a boyfriend type of thing. personally, i think it can mean even more when a friend does it, because his motivations are pretty almost guaranteed to be pure. so thank you dan. our friendship is off to a lovely start.

moral of the post: at the end of the day, we all want a man who will fight for us.

odd girl out

2005-10-07T00:36:00.000-05:00

(i love color! ahh!!!)

synopsis of tonight:
one act opening night was splendid. i was genuinely proud of my cast and how well they adjusted to an audience, who loved them btw. this also is the VERY FIRST OPENING NIGHT that i have not cried at, either before or after. i have this horrible habit of being an emotional wreck on opening nights, for one reason or another. proof was possibly the worst. katie and i both had a melt-down, thinking we did a terrible job and we hated ourselves and blah blah blah (katie and i both have a tendency to be too hard on ourselves. its only a small part of why we're pseudo-sisters.) so it made me so happy that i made it through the night absolutely happy.

here's a tradition i never keep: the obligatory handing out and wearing of diaper pins. i know that i annoy each and every cast member i've ever had with my total disinterest in giving them out, let alone driving to cranberry to get them, but i just truly don't understand the whole thing. why are they good luck? where did this tradition start? how is it satisfying to walk around with pins attached to your key chain that make you ready to change a child's dirty mess at any moment? i have only worn one once: the opening night of west side. i was too scared to say no. and johnny mormom, the dance partner from down under, stepped on my feet that night. i took it as a sign and never wore it again. they are not good luck for me. so sorry wanda's visit cast, it doesn't look likely that you will be getting pins this fall. if you really really really want one . . . steal one from someone else in the festival.

but the pins are really just the beginning of why i have never felt like i totally belong in the theatre department here. i love all the people that do theatre, i just don't feel a complete connection. i always feel a bit on the outside, as if its okay to participate but i shouldn't get too comfortable, lest i forget that i'm not a real part of the tight knit bunch, just a guest who can stay for dinner, sometimes dessert. i loathe mentioning west side once again (truly, once a year is often enough to remember that small tragedy), but i just knew then what i know now: i didn't fit in. and initially, it broke my heart, because in high school, some of my best friends did theatre with me. heck, some did theatre just so we could all hang out. i wanted to experience that again in college, maybe even in a stronger capacity. (now, as i write this, i realize that some of closest friends here have done theatre too. katie and chelsea too name two. but i guess i look at our friendship as so outside of theatre, and so much more about crazy sexy dances and "horse" riding and orchesis and all around insanity. and abbie and megan and kayla and . . . maybe my theory doesn't really make sense at all.)

this isn't a "i hate my life and have no friends and why won't someone like me" post. its more a "i recognize certain things and am very content and merely intrigued why the world is the way it is" type of commentary. because in truth, i really feel blessed that my friends can love and support and cheer me on in all my theatrical endeavors, because we aren't constantly competing for parts or shows, etc. its just that show week always makes me reflect on the dynamics of the theatre world, and me not quite fitting in just plays a small part in that.

okay, next time, i'll try to formulate a better argument for my posts. i don't think this is the type of thing i can explain in a note type format. i need good conversation to get the job done.

ahh, honey honey

2005-10-06T12:41:00.000-05:00

Little known fact about our GCC cafeteria: there is honey in there. you just have to know where to look. Today as I ate "lunch" (I use the term loosely) with Whitney, I was reminded that not everyone knows about the hidden condiments the cafeteria stores in secret places.

The school used to serve honey by the toasters, but upon our return my sophomore year, I realized the honey was gone. In a frantic state, I asked the small Chinese man* that operates the cafeteria in a frightening mafia-like capactiy where the honey had disappeared to. "No honey. No students with honey - bad pouring skills," he told me. I was not convinced - bad pouring skills? What does that mean and how is it an excuse? Several days later, Mary*, the nicest worker in MAP, pulled me aside to tell me the truth. "Sweetie, they took away the honey because its too expensive. But I keep it right behind the counter here. So I suppose if you could use it very quickly and then put it right back, no one would have to know."

Years later, the scheme still works. Except now its not a "scheme" so much as they all know I do it and no one says anything.

Honey, you and barbecue sauce are still the only condiments I'll ever love. Thanks for making even cafeteria meet endurable (dare I say even enjoyable?).

* note: names have not been changed to protect the guilty or delightful

if you jumped off a bridge . . .

2005-10-05T22:19:00.000-05:00

and then one day children, monica decided to start blogging.

who loves one-act week? it reminds me of all that is good and fun in the theatre department here. what delights me the most is how scandalous we think we are - as we make "totally inappropriate" jokes that we know we can't do once the hypoverial curtain rises on opening night. these shameful jokes include saying only moderate swear words, momentary flashing of chests (rachel, fall 2003 will be remembered by all thanks to that red dress and your frantic dancing. i love it.), making out, etc. this brings me to more favorite memories of one acts:
1. garret and phil playing woman roles. loved it.
2. rachel, can i mention the dress moment again?
3. my parents and their perfect attendance record (to be shattered tomorrow evening, as they are busy landscaping their new condo. oh mom and dad, you will be missed.)
4. cherith eppley's first kiss . . . on stage . . . with trey
5. the bat that tried to kill heidi haas
6. abbie bruising her innocent freshman body during the role of della
7. countless others i can't remember anymore but i'm sure were fantastic at the time

homecoming was fun. its always so delightful seeing old friends. one big regret: i think i may have killed a small child. yes, its true. (my non-mothering instincts surface). the thing is, i can't throw. and when i say i can't throw, i mean, they put me on the 5th grade basketball team in 6th grade. even my own father, who was the coach of my little league team, didn't have the heart to actually play me, lest people know who i was related to. needless to say, i'm sitting in matthew chung's solara, trying to throw candy to the little children, when suddenly it hits me (pun intended) that i am throwing candy that is barely reaching the outside tires. so kids are running into the street, next to (and occasionally, on) the car. i hear matt's frantic voice call out; no, not in protection of the children, but of his precious convertible. (note: i do love matt and he was a jewel on saturday. an absolute jewel.) i'm sorry for any injuries i may have caused. aside from the endangering candy throwing, i loved the parade. a special thank you to the man dressed as the toilet you could throw candy into. toilet man, you were a delight.

(sidenote: jen helped me pick the font. i love her. she's a jewel as well.)

major barbara is a good time. i tried on my costume tonight and thank you caitlin sandham, it still makes me look like a woman. trey sends his regards as well (who wants to make out with a girl wearing a burlap sack, right?). there are lots of long speeches and two intermissions . . . but come see it anyways.

i think this was a good first blog. (i like to give myself postitive affirmation from time to time) if not, i will try and do better next time.